How many times have I fallen in life and I've learned to get up from these constant failures? How did I always overcome these miserable pains without alcohol and drugs? How is it that when life threw me those "game over" signs and it didn't phase me? Or how even my closest friends in my life deserted me, back stabbed me, or used me and it didn't bothered me?
How many questions can I ask myself, drown myself in and not know the answer to them? Always pretend that it didn't effect me at all. I always kept my head up and hope everything will be better.
But who am I kidding? I've always been a pessimist, a negative man because those things I mentioned did effect me and it turned me into something I didn't want to be. But every time she left me, I would just stare at her photos and think she's better off without me, but I always realized how watery my eyes turned and the tears would drop down my to my chin. Her face and voice would play over and over in my head, in my memories and in my dreams..
I try to fight that sadness and misery by reminding myself at the things she did and how it made me feel. I try to paint myself a picture of her being an evil monster for hurting my feelings. But nothing convinces me, instead that constant question "why couldn't I make it right by her? Why did I always had to screw it up?"
I always ended up fighting myself, feeling like a clueless little child who wasn't even aware what I was doing was wrong. It made me feel stupid and so broken. I would scream out "I didn't mean to act like an asshole!!", "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!!", "I didn't mean to do any of this!!!" But the only person who's there listen to me are my four walls in my bedroom..
Now I wake up everyday, feeling so sad, lonely and broken. The motivation to continue with something isn't there anymore, nothing makes me smile, nothing takes the idea of her away from my mind. I just accepted to live with this severe suffering in not having her in my life. My fragile my mind and feelings are so broken that the only person who can repair them is her... and that will never happen because she will never look back or even think of me ever again..
Now my mind escapes me, my soul left me, now I feel so hollow inside, feeling so empty and dead. Now the only thing I can rely on, the only thing that will listen to my feelings and pains of every word that bleeds out of my heart is Reddit. I know no one gives a shit about what I say, so no one will even read any of this so I can embarrass myself and make myself look like a weak, fragile, delicate man and I won't be judged by it. My best friend, my only friend is Reddit..
It's pathetic to know this is the only thing I have left in my life and that I can pour my heart and soul to it and I know I won't leave here feeling like an imbecile. I can narrate all my deepest secrets and problems and it won't laugh at me or everyone in my life will know about it.
Now I don't wait for anything in my life, I don't expect anyone to understand me because it's not really worth the time and effort to explain everything to someone. I know friends don't really exist, I just have myself to take care of me. I know I can live on my own without falling into the dark abyss. This tragedy will all be history, another tale of my past. I learned to never trust someone ever again, they will only disappoint you and destroy you.. heh.. it's the only advice this stupid, ignorant man can give anyone in the same situation. Because time will only reveal people's true nature, their true intentions and motives.
Now the only thing I have are these paranoias, this bitter loneliness in my heart. Knowing that the woman who I passionately loved hates me and my only reaction is to cry and feel so miserable about myself. Constantly remembering that night how she ended it and how angry she was towards me.