I'm so sorry! I relate to your comment so much. I had about 10 years of really being "healthy and happy", I was sober, I had a pretty big group of really close, good friends. I had people to spend the holidays with despite not being in contact with my family. A great relationship with my son, my dream job.

After several bad things happening that were totally out of my control, it feels like all of my progress is undone. I'm back to feeling the way I did in my angsty teens with zero goals or motivation in life. No friends. Broken relationships with the ones I do still talk to. Holidays are lonely. And when I left my dream job because my depression etc finally came to a head, my old boss told me "you're a great person with a selfless, caring heart, but I think your past use going to haunt you for the rest of your life" . Even during my good years at my"most recovered", that's how he saw me.