I completely understand. I was a precocious child and had grand sweeping sexual and romantic fantasies at a very young age haha I wanted to have sex badly at the age of 12 - it didn't happen until 10 excruciating years later. and I understand and respect every year, every second you have had to experience...all of this loneliness and desperation that nags at you.. it can be agony if you completely face it...

I know I'm younger than you but I still think..we experienced very similar emotions. it feels so shitty, I just realized..I was 'waiting' for people to like me, for life to happen to me, and especially due to my anxious nature...that was never ever going to happen unless I actively started doing something about it, which in itself was a feat for me

I don't believe in 'everything in its own time' there are people out there that die before they ever make a genuine connection. I don't want to be one of those people. I fully realized how fucking tragic life can be for some people and I know that..my life is stupidly tragic in so many ways but...I couldn't handle it being empty in the romantic aspect. .. I only managed to form a relationship because I went on okcupid determined not to stop meeting people in person until it happened, but obviously that didn't turn out well either. and that won't work for everyone. I think different social settings can help different people..

I also want to assure you that even though they may be more rare, there are empathetic, respectful, good people that will love you and give you a chance and not judge you for being inexperienced. there are truly so many people that wouldn't give a fuck. I know it feels different as a guy than a girl, because there are weird notions of inexperience for each...but there are people out there who are smart enough not to base judgements on that...there are always so many origins for things, so many reasons we are the way we are...people who simplify that...who judge people based on the fact that they didn't experience things at the 'normal pace,' ..fuck them.

I understand the desperation always being there even as you try to live your life, it is a natural longing, and I sincerely hope it is fulfilled for you soon

there are ways to up the odds of it happening, and I do believe it's inevitable for most people if they manage to connect with others in whatever way possible...still, some of us are unlucky in all these things...

sometimes it feels like..normal life left me behind. all the things that should have happened, that I wanted to happen, never happened, and it's maddening.. before I met my boyfriend i literally felt it was impossible that anyone would love me. but if I thought that was impossible..what else is possible that I thought was impossible? that is the only hope I have, the hope that love can give you, I think that's the hope you crave, I hope I didn't make you more miserable with this. I just think, even though my relationship was shitty, that it was something - that it was something I'm very glad to have experienced because it was just that - experience - it was something instead of nothing....that's what you need...I think, experiences, experiences that validate you, sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are special enough to be loved whole-heartedly by another -

I think you should do everything you can to find that, I really do. you probably have done so much, I just think...the more we're resilient, the more we try, the better off we are..even if we fail

I really believe, the better we are, the more healthy we are, the more hopeful we are...the more we want to share with other people, the more we will seek out other people, and we will have better chances of these things. but yes, it's all fucking hard

and this was just..disjointed ranting again, I'm sorry. I'm going to try to sleep now. if you ever want to talk about anything feel free to PM me :) thank you so much for talking to me