Thanks for the advice. I can see walking being something I might try again, I did it for a little while and it felt quite good, but I'm on a nocturnal schedule for now so I can't really walk at night. Some minor activity (I don’t really have the energy to do much for long) does tend to raise my mood though. Doing nice things for myself otherwise is pretty hard since I feel bad for it, either like I don't deserve it or that it taints me somehow.

I don't think it's religious based at all. My family weren't like extreme catholics or anything, they didn't ever bring me to church or have me interact with the community at all, they just put me in catholic school around when I was 8 or 9 for the better (worse) education and I instantly rejected it like I said in the post.

I don't talk much with therapists/psychiatrists because I never really get on with them personally since I’m kind of too abstract a person and they just try to bring me down to earth which isn’t really my terf, and they schedule their appointments at like 9 in the morning so I'm sleepy and the combination just makes me want to get out of the visit as quick as possible. It's a bother more than anything and I've been to many people. There was one girl I saw for a year or so to get my hormone therapy believe it or not that I got along with quite well and she was trained as a psychiatrist, but she long since quit her job due to health issues.

As for having an outlet for things, I'm kind of trapped and I can't. Whenever I do vent things out I feel bad because I feel like an attention seeker and liar which makes me a hypocrite due to them being on the list of things I feel tainted over, and this is seemingly confirmed by others. I feel trapped in a cycle where if I do vent my feelings people will just make fun of me for them or put me into even more tainted boxes that make me feel worse, which to be fair has been my experience in the past with things, people just calling me a whiny emo girl or whatever or saying I’m too negative and to just stop thinking so much and let loose (which I am negative, not that I like that). Not to mention I don't want to offend people when they're the ones bothering me. My sister causes it a lot (so does everyone else in my life) because her borderline personality disorder brings out less than pleasant behaviors a lot, but I love her and she's just being herself and I can't bring myself to hate on her for it beyond just telling her here and there my opinion and hoping she listens. She’s very easily distracted and can’t empathize though so my thoughts rarely get through (her and my mom are queens of the “just don’t think as much” or “Just smoke some weed” comebacks). I also have a lot of friends and family who have it far worse than I do and have and will get kind of annoyed with me if I say I’m struggling and I honestly don’t really think they’re wrong considering they face things like homelessness, physical abuse, and far worse BDD/gender dysphoria (mines still relatively bad though), which makes my situation seem like a cakewalk that they’d kill for. I’m an almost 24 year old NEET just sitting in her room all day with no job just being supported financially by her parents and being given the privilege to isolate from the world without practical hardships (besides some chronic fatigue probably brought on by depression).