My ex-girlfriend and I were walking around a supermarket at about 3am. We'd watched some terrible "documentary" on shoplifters before we'd come out and had been discussing techniques along the way.

Neither of us were career criminals. I still have flashbacks of the time I accidentally stole a packet of Opal Fruits from a shop at Butlins in Minehead aged 8.

We decided to steal cheese. Our plan was to put her bag over it in the trolley (cart?). We picked some very fancy cheese, it was some kind of smoked farmhouse cheddar. We did the shopping as normal but on a secluded aisle, I shoved the cheese under her bag. My heartrate doubled.

As we approach the cashier, I began unloading the trolley onto the conveyor belt. This was the final chance I had to live an honest life but I didn't move the bag, I kept it hidden. She cashier asked us how we were, how our night was going, I stuttered out an "o.ooo...okay" and my girlfriend looked at her feet.

The plan was, if some hulking security guard uncovered our plan, we'd act surprised and pretend we'd put the bag on it by accident. Seeing as I couldn't respond to a simple pleasantry without stuttering, I don't know how long I could have kept up the accident-cheese-placement-charade.

I paid, my girlfriend was meant to pay that week but she went to lift her bag up (the fool) to get her purse so I proudly told her, "don't worry, I'll pay for this". The cashier was not impressed.

We wheeled the trolley away, my legs were buzzing with anxiety, occasionally looking at each other and giggling. We hadn't thought about the final hurdle, the security guard sat by the exit. He looked at us. He looked at the trolley. He looked at the bag. He bid us a "good night" and I grinned like a maniac back at him.

When we got to the car, I did my best acting and pretending that the cheese had fallen out one of the carrier bags. I drove away fearful of flashing blue lights in the mirror.

I don't where I heard it but the phrase "The secret ingredient is crime" is absolutely true. Stolen cheese is delicious.

That is my perfect crime.