I only had about a year's wait at Daventry from referral to first appointment (I got in just as everyone started rushing to get referred there, when waiting times just started to spike), but it's been 2 years since and they still won't let me have hormones.

They say they "don't have enough evidence" to provide treatment and have to "protect their reputation" (Apparently by denying treatment to people who need it because "what if someone detransitions after we gave them hormones and the tabloids turn it into a huge controversy!").

I've signed consent forms, written my life story (They said they "particularly enjoyed" reading about how I was stressed to tears struggling to force myself to come out to my parents through crippling anxiety like it was just some stupid creative writing project assigned as English homework and my experiences weren't real) and a two page justification for not wanting children, told them many times that I definitely want HRT as soon as possible and want to medically transition, I changed my name legally, changed my whole wardrobe, I completely socially transitioned, etc. I was diagnosed by two doctors as trans within the first 3 appointments and given a health check where I was cleared apart from one thing that needed testing for, for which the results came back totally fine. Apparently that's not enough for them.

(Sorry for the long rant but every time I start thinking about this I get really pissed off, and usually I don't really want to just bring other people down with my own problems so I rarely talk about it with close family. Ignore it if you want, I just kinda have to get this out somewhere. This could also probably be its own post but whatever. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

They basically made me do RLE unofficially, delaying talking about HRT appointment after appointment and have been stringing me along and gatekeeping all the time I've been there. I told them at the start I wanted to medically transition and socially transition at the same time to kind of minimise the amount of time I was stuck in the "awkward androgynous phase", but at this point I've had no other choice but to fully socially transition and it could still be months to a year or more before they even decide to talk about HRT. Hell, they might not even bother seeing as they've lied about it so much already. Who knows? During the first couple of appointments they asked a bunch of inappropriate questions about my sexuality, if I've ever had a partner or had sex, and whether I watched porn and masturbated (I sat there dumbfounded that they'd ask such a question and was too uncomfortable to speak, so he wrote that I "watched porn and had a healthy sexuality" anyway).

I also told them every time I was asked that I was 100% against the idea of having kids in future and would much prefer to get HRT as soon as possible over the slim possibility of changing my mind in 10 years time (When chances are I might not even be alive in 5 if things got worse, but I probably wouldn't say that in case they used it as another excuse to delay treatment... Like do you even know how your patients could be feeling? Do you not know what dysphoria even is? Who's supposed to be the expert here? What the fuck kind of priorities are those?), and also felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea of banking sperm and couldn't afford it regardless. I half-remember signing something stating I didn't want to do it and was fine with proceeding with HRT even if it made me infertile, and they still tried to guilt me into it saying something along the lines of "What if your future wife wants babies and you can't give her that? Wouldn't that make her sad? Wouldn't that be disappointing and hurtful for her?" which was disgusting on multiple levels, and after dealing with all of that and jumping through all their hoops it's still always either "we'll discuss it after the next appointment" or "I know we said there was just one last step but this one's really the last. Promise!"

In my last appointment I was told "Two years isn't really that long to wait. You don't want to rush into this, do you? Maybe we should wait a little longer" when I can't get a job, or socialise and make friends, or even maintain a proper sleep schedule because of a combination of dysphoria, depression, social anxiety, possibly disassociation, and a bunch of other bullshit that wouldn't have been anywhere near as much of a problem if they'd just given me the medication I've needed for just about four years now when they first said they would.

I was told despite signing forms, writing pages on deeply personal subjects I'd struggled to even open up to my family about, having to wait months for results for a medical test they told me I couldn't start HRT without, and which I was told afterwards wasn't even necessary for anything but surgery which I'm not even considering right now, that they didn't have enough evidence for them to be able to give me have hormones, and they refuse to tell me what will be enough. They gave me some spiel about how focussing on my own feelings is selfish and my transition is equally about everyone else too (I mean isn't this literally about me feeling better and living life as myself rather than everyone else's idea of who I'm supposed to be? Isn't obsessing over passing, holding yourself to unrealistic standards, and basing your self-worth on other people's opinions supposed to be toxic and unhealthy? Isn't that the kind of shit the psychology team is telling me to stop doing? Fucking who am I hurting by transitioning when my family and basically everyone I know is fully supportive? And even if they had a problem, why would that be on me to set myself on fire to keep them warm when their problem with trans people is theirs alone to deal with? Didn't you say at the start that you supported GNC people and enbies too, were 100% opposed to gatekeeping and transphobia, and wanted to work with your patients rather than telling them what to do and forcing them to transition in a way they're uncomfortable with? What a lie that all was apparently!), and they need to protect their own reputation from the tabloids and TERFs, because if they gave me hormones and I detransitioned that would be bad for their image.

Then they told me that my next appointment will be in no more than four months time, then at last said in an email that I could start finasteride to help with hair loss, but also said we wouldn't even be discussing HRT in the next appointment (SO WHAT IS IT EVEN FOR THEN? WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DISCUSS?! >:( ), but instead we'd talk about it in the one after (Yeah, I've heard that one before...). Then they didn't give me a letter for said appointment until over four months later when I brought it up in a session with one of the psychologists and at least they actually had my back and chased it up for me. And then I was scheduled for September, after waiting since March/April with no word at all... So when's the appointment after next going to be? Same time next year? Fuck off!

I could be fully transitioned with a social life, a source of income, living on my own independently instead of feeling like an unnecessary burden on my parents. I could have a life of my own by now if only the UK's trans healthcare wasn't so incompetent (And/or low-key malicious, or maybe just extremely apathetic at best). But nah, I get 3 years of my life pretty much wasted, stolen from me by people who couldn't care less about my well-being with no way to fix things myself. The only reason I haven't gone DIY at this point is I can't afford to keep it up long-term and I'm afraid they'd just kick me out if they saw my blood tests or whatever (I've heard a few stories, but I don't know how they'd react). Otherwise I'd have started probably months after my referral and wouldn't still be so split on starting now... I've been putting off hair removal for months too, tolerating it even though my funding was approved because I've heard many times that testosterone causes regrowth, and I'd probably end up using up all my sessions and regrowing all of it by the time they decided to prescribe me anything.

The psychology team there is fantastic and have helped a lot with my confidence, and they're really supportive and kind. The voice therapist is too. They couldn't be better. The doctors for some reason are fucking assholes and I don't trust any of them at this point. Fuck the NHS's sad excuse for trans healthcare, and fuck the GMC and government for refusing to fix their broken system, cowering from any kind of criticism and spinelessly bowing to TERFs.