I used to be really pissed off whenever anyone brought up the idea of forgiveness. My ex did unspeakable things to me emotionally and physically. Why the hell should I forgive someone for that? I lived off rage, and it actually helped. It fuelled me through the pain. But after a couple of years of holding onto that level of anger, I just felt so heavy. I was working with a really good therapist at the time and during a certain session my perception of forgiveness shifted. It wasn't about my ex. He was still a piece of shit. What he did was still intolerable. He was never going to be able to redeem himself. But forgiveness became more about me. More about 'I want to let go of this because I don't want to have it sitting on my chest every single day.' I thought about what kind of a man would hurt a woman he 'loved' in the ways he hurt me, and that made me see that he was a pathetic human being. I'd been so afraid of him. But he suddenly just seemed small and defective. I realised that even though he hurt me, I was inherently more powerful, because being a good person takes a strength that selfish people will never know. I 'forgave' him in the sense that I stopped allowing what he did to control my life. I wouldn't speak to him if I saw him again, but I forgave him by seeing that he doesn't matter. To me, that felt empowering. Realising that the person who betrayed you is doomed to their own sort of bullshit hellish life, and that they don't have to have power over you. That's what forgiveness means to me; it means making peace with what happened, so that you can move on. I don't think women should feel pressured to forgive men who betrayed them in the sense of cutting him slack, or pretending it wasn't that bad. I think, however, that navigating your own way to let go of a traumatic experience is imperative towards healing.