I’m gay. I’ve never commented on this sub before because as a newlywed (been married for less than a full year) it didn’t seem like my place to offer advice when I’m busy learning new stuff every day myself.

I was born and raised evangelical, and my entire family is homophobic. When I first came out to my mom and told her I had met someone I wanted to get married to, she outright refused to meet my then-fiancé. She ended up not attending our wedding and I haven’t talk to her since. My husband’s family, on the other hand, is completely the opposite of mine—they are very supportive and open-minded. My MIL treats me like another son and occasionally messages me about what she cooked for dinner. She gave a wonderful speech at our wedding about how it had been wonderful to have me in the family.

So I feel like I have strikingly relevant experience to what your SIL went through. How your in-laws reacted was absolutely unacceptable and you might wanna have a serious sit down with your husband and discuss it because at the end of the day, your children will watch and learn, and see if they feel comfortable coming out for their parents’ support if by any chance they identify as gay. Even if they don’t, it will impact their view of gay people and how to interact with them (the emphasis should be gay people like me have wayyyyy more in common with straight people than different)

I admittedly do not know what your SIL had anticipated how your in-laws would respond, but I trust her judgment to come out in the way she did. And as a gay person who’s had to come out god knows how many times at this point in my life, I cannot stress enough that coming out is whatever the listener makes it to be. If they make it a huge fucking deal, as your in-laws did, then it will be a big deal. If they respond, for the lack of a better word, normally, then it will be no different than any other family event where you’re being introduced to someone’s significant other.

It’s not too late for the MIL and FIL to right the wrongs by acknowledging the damage they’ve done and just saying they didn’t know how to react. But I’m guessing they might have strong religious views against gay people, in which case, unfortunately, they should expect to be cut off from their daughter’s life. There’s really no “good” or “right” way to come out because the receiver gets to decide what it’s gonna be, so your husband’s reaction doesn’t make sense either. Could she have tested the waters before catching everyone off guard? Sure. Would it have been any different? Not really, and she wouldn’t have found out you, OP, are someone who she can rely on for support as family. As I said, coming out is ultimately such a vulnerable act—we have to put ourselves at the mercy of who we come out to.

I hope your in-laws realize it’s their daughter at the end of the day. It’s pointless to get hung up on the gay part. What are they gonna do? Disown her? They’re already one hurtful conversation away from getting cut off anyway