I got called into work on my day off to cover a few hours for another employee who was sick. Arriving at the storeI found the locks to the security shutters were jammed closed with chewing gum, so I had to hang a sheet over them with a message written in shoe polish: "I ASSURE YOU; WE'RE OPEN."
Spent most of my day serving a succession of idiot customers; about all I could get out of my mouth was, "I'm not even supposed to be here today!!" My buddy Randal from the video store next door showed up, and we chatted a good bit... unpleasantly disrupted by my nagging girlfriend Veronica (but only after I had to endure finding my ex Caitlin is engaged). A while later I found out another of my exes actually died. Yikes. I won't even go into what happened when we stopped by the wake.
To break up the monotony of break-up news (see what I did there), we shut down the store for a while and played hockey on the roof.
Later on in the evening, engaged-Caitlin shows up, trying to convince me she's actually not really totally engaged. Really messes with my head. Enough that I ran home to change so I could take her out later. Things don't go as planned.
By the time I get back, I find that Caitlin has had SEX with another guy back in the utility room of my store. You read that right. Oh, and did I mention THAT THE GUY IN THE UTILITY ROOM WAS DEAD?!?! We called an ambulance to get take Caitlin away. Because. Well. Because.
Jay and Silent Bob, these stoners who usually hang out outside all day come on in. Jay tries to get me to go party with them, but I'm just not in the mood. As they leave, Silent Bob stops for a sec to say, "You know, there's a million fine-looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you." And he's right! Veronica is pretty great.
I decide to reconcile with her... but not before Randall ruins things. Dude told her that I'd asked out Caitlin! Obviously, I had to beat him up. Sort of. We sort of beat each other up. The guy ruins my life. Seriously. Everything bad that happens to me seems to be his fault.
Oh Con-trair, Randall says (I don't speak French). He throws it all back in my face. Apparently my life is my fault and I bring it on myself. I don't know. But it's true: if I'm so much better than everyone else, what am I doing working here?