Lawmaker pushing for less regulation has child die at his facility

"I am here today to say the death of a child is a terrible and unacceptable tragedy. And you as my constituents understand better than anyone its the children I am trying to protect. With all the evil regulations the ahem previous administration put in place it is just to expensive for anyone honest to operate! You all understand that! We are forced to employ people at lower pay and less hours. With less to trickle down it pains me to say we all know this kind of horrible thing is going to happen.
Tomorrow I promise to clean up the great state of Alabama and double down on my commitment to our kids! We will author a great bill that strips these lethal regulations down to the roots. Going forward or best option is to move homeless shelters into the daycare centers. We can get the extra staffing we so desperately need, provide jobs, and cut down on the expense of feeding both. My brother owns a company able to provide the highest quality background checks. We can let the children see up close the dangers of needles and vaccination and straying from the word of god. On the subject of food, now we all know just once we dipped a finger into the hog trough and licked it. Mama may have smacked us on the hand but it never killed us did it? So why do we have to pay 3 times as much for child care so evil regulators can inspect and throw out all the good food just so they can keep busy? We can still provide the same high quality Alabama/China food but without all silly expensive paperwork and inspections. All that extra money will provide me with another boat, 7000 shares of Comcast stock, a better car for one of my college students, a little money for a rainy day, more money for a sunny day, and eventually it all trickles down and we might just start being able to employ enough people to finally fix this problem. And maybe serve some real meat on Christmas to celebrate Jesus!"

... roaring applause...

/r/nottheonion Thread Link - katv.com