I have to leave

I've already taken that step of leaving, but it was my only remaining friend. We grew up together in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, all of that. I'm a caring and loyal person, so I let his alcoholic bullshit slide for a good 8 years (our 20s).

Now I'm a loner and I feel fucking miserable, but it's better than that anxiety of not knowing what I'm walking into when I go to visit. There have been so many instances where I should have just been like "fuck you forever, never call me again."

On multiple occasions he has called me sounding reasonably sober to invite me over, only for me to find out he's wasted or passed out by the time I get there. I don't like it when people waste my time, so that kind of stuff makes me want to scream.

He ruined a vacation I brought him during the summer as well as my birthday plans after that. He would act manipulative and lie his way out of going places, because he only wants his friends to come over to his place (where the liquor is).

I told him multiple times, clearly, that if he didn't stop his immature shit, I would never call him again. He's refused help for years even though he's been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. He lies to himself that he can moderate and lies to others that he's "cut back," which really just means "I haven't got blackout-belligerent-drunk in a while."

January 1, 2019 was my date to stop giving a shit for my own emotional wellbeing. I'm mostly just angry that I've wasted so much time having hope that he'd get better. The last time we hung out I came over expecting that he'd at least be willing to go see a movie because I had free tickets and he seemed pretty sober, but he told me he "didn't want to waste my money on a movie he wasn't that interested in." That made my brain go "WTF" because he sure seems fine with wasting my damn time doing nothing on a Friday or Saturday evening, when I could be out enjoying life.

I've invited him to every event under the sun, but he pretends like he has anxiety going places. I have anxiety about going a lot of places but I tough it out, wipe the sweat off my forehead as my hand shakes and keep living my life the best that I can. His "anxiety" is really him being a selfish prick who can't designate a few hours of sober time to do things with people that care about him, like he does when he goes to work or school.

He called me last night at 8:30pm, which is usually later than when we normally would get together, which just leads me to believe he's drunk-dialing me so he can talk slow and ramble and invite me over to do nothing once more. My heart started racing, but I was driving 4,000 ft. up on the edge of a mountain, weaving my way down, so I couldn't answer.

The last time he called me was in January. He did his usual "wanna come over" bullshit, and I told him I was tired, but I was going to San Francisco on Saturday, and he was welcome to come. He "couldn't go" as usual, but I told him I'd call him that day to see if he finished his "homework" by then. His phone was off, just like on my last birthday when he flaked on our plans.

I'm done. I deserve better. He was given more chances than anyone deserves.

I've only met one person from Reddit to hang out with since becoming a loner. We'll probably never hang out again, but they were much more considerate in that hour and a half than my friend was in the entire year of 2018. It made me so sad, because I'm really not asking for a whole lot from people. I just want to hang out with friends, have a good time and create some happy memories.

It's really hard to control my anger these days. When anyone else makes me that mad, I'm ready to square up and fight them. Being that mad at someone I know is a really uncomfortable feeling to deal with. The only thing I can thing of doing to make that feeling go away is to make new friends who I can count on.

I went to one Al-Anon meeting and it was a bunch of seniors who looked more sad than me. It was pretty uncomfortable and I don't see myself going back.

/r/AlAnon Thread