tw

i always knew i was into women, and thought of myself as a lesbian from age 13 on. when i was 17 i was curious about boys and decided to fool around with my trusted best male friend at the time. what was supposed to be an innocent teenage make out session turned into date r*pe. it destroyed my self esteem and personality. i went into denial, and dated him for 5 more years. for most of the relationship i just thought that sex was supposed to be painful and stressful. i confused our strong friendship for romantic love. maybe it was? sometimes i still don’t know.

5 years into our relationship, there was one night of unwanted sex that was particularly bad and that was the beginning of the end. i tried leaving countless times but would always go back. i’ve slept with a lot of people of different genders since breaking up with him and lately that’s made me realize i’m not attracted to cis men, and likely never was. i love dating women. i could go on forever about how exciting and fulfilling it is, versus how ashamed and afraid i feel dating men.

oh also! my ex bf and i had a brief poly thing and i dated my ex girlfriend for a few months. it was my idea, probably because deep down i knew i didn’t want to be with a man but was too cowardly to leave him