I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much too. I don't know if I could say I have an eating disorder though. I was clinically morbidly obese when I started to lose weight, so I did need to lose a lot. Now I'm in the high end of the healthy BMI range. But I got very scared of food along the way and I'm still losing about half a pound a day. I've really got no clue how long that's sustainable for til I risk an arrhythmia or deficiency.

I read some about anorexia earlier and it terrifies me. I figure it's a good idea though cause I need to die and that's a way it could just sort of happen to me. I get scared to kill myself outright. It depends. I tried to kill myself impulsively a few months ago and have overdosed a whole bunch of times since then, although they weren't suicide attempts. Also I fear surviving a suicide attempt with injuries. But ultimately I know intellectually that I need to die.

Plus a lot of it is that I can't be bothered to eat. And cause I lost so much weight I have some loose skin on my stomach - much less than most people who lost the amount I have would though but it still bothers me a lot. So I want to just make myself as skinny as possible. Plus if I had to be hospitalised because of malnutrition that would be good because it would be sort of "a break".

Ultimately I'm just suffocated no matter what end I look at everything from. Even when I briefly cease the health anxiety, my other problems just become more prominent. What bothers me constantly shifts around, but it's always something. And knowing that my support system (the nhs) is broken and that I've sabotaged it for myself anyway from the ground up with my constant inability to properly express/understand myself, there just really isn't any point fighting on.