We don't have frequent outbreaks at all at this point, and it's not something to cause this much distance between us or just zero sex for such long stretches... It's how she recoils and pulls away and not just the fact that she does... You would think that I am physically or emotionally or mentally 'rough' with her or 'brett kavanaugh' her but after every time I even touch her I think to myself, 'I'll never make the mistake of touching you again.' Whenever she doesn't recoil it's like fondling something that's trying to play dead, and it's just gut wrenchingly awful. I've always been one to take plenty of responsibilities for myself and to look at myself as the cause of my problems and not others, but there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix this or change it, and the feeling of helplessness isn't something apparently deal well with.