Looking back on emotional moments, what made you cry the hardest?

My roommate and good friend told me she wanted to kill herself. Then she saw how I was reacting to it because it hit so close to home, and her trying to reassure me that it would be okay since she made the decision so long ago just made it worse. It made me feel helpless and like all the suffering I've done through that is for nothing because I for all the shit I've dealt with from being on the edge of my own mortality, it means nothing to someone so resigned to being driven by simply having an end. Every time I wake up or come home from work, I'm terrified of seeing her in the tub with her arms opened up or something else, but not just because of everything afterward. It's that I love her for who she is and how she's been so strong to have made it this far, and that I want to continue giving her something to live for. I hope her getting a kitten adds another 15+ years, but I have no idea. I can't tell how expressing I care will go, or if it will even be picked up on, but fuck if I would rather she hates me and love life than hates life and ends it. I'd rather be a lightning rod than stand by while she breaks down in a surge.

Fuck...

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