Looking for insights, not solutions!

My wife avoids looking at or touching my penis. It's been like this our whole 26 years of marriage (actually, it seems to have gotten worse).

What has she said about this? How has this gotten worse?

Unfortunately OP, many women don't find penises to be aesthetically pleasing or terribly arousing to look at. Some do, but a lot do not.

In general, she seems what some might describe as "sexually repressed." She grew up in a fairly strict religious home. Also she had two experiences in high school where she was taken advantage of by guys (not actual sex, according to her)

You mention that she was raised strict and religious, so I'm sure her definition of "real" sex may be skewed and rigid.

And having been sexually assaulted, she may be struggling to define it in a more realistic and truthful way because it's a painful reality to face and she hasn't come to terms with her experience, as that can be common.

Maybe this will provide some other perspective for you, just in the off chance your wife may be experiencing this herself...

I was sexually assaulted by an intimate partner when I was younger and not only did it take me years to even acknowledge that what happened wasn't totally consensual or right, but it took me even longer to be able to admit that what happened was assault.

To see it be defined for what it was, was hard -- terrifying, even. To be able to admit it, was a challenge in and of itself and it made me feel as if I needed to downplay it, dress it up nicely to protect myself from the reality of it, and it left me feeling as if I needed to define it in my own terms to cope until I was able to face the hard truth of it and be ok.

However, I had to make the decision to be able to face what happened and feel I was ready for it. Once I did, I felt so much more capable and confident in my own interpersonal skills and ability to establish and enforce boundaries in relationships with others. It was incredibly empowering, although vulnerable.

Side note: I did not see a therapist for this, although I am very pro therapy for anyone who feels they want it or could benefit from it. It can really make a world of difference for many.

I do think that if your wife is open to this, it may be a really good thing for her to help her navigate this and be able to process what happened and find some empowerment for herself along the way. Has she ever expressed any agreeableness to this?

I'm NOT asking if this is normal or what I can do to change this. It's her "normal" and that's my starting point.

I honestly want to commend you for this, as an aside. I find it really refreshing that you're not seeking to change her or have her somehow fit into a box you want her to. But that you're willing to meet her where she's at and just try to understand. That's all anyone can do but to be able to approach it from this angle is really great. There's no expectations and leaves much more space for empathy and acceptance.

/r/DeadBedrooms Thread