I"ve experienced psychosis because of deathgrips. Not like, I blame them- but listening to their music and interpreting it opened up my perceptions and has caused me to live in a world full of mysticism and conscious struggle. had my first panic attack (*which, if you've never had one- when you first have them... you just KNOW you're having a heart attack) because the music made me realize things so buried deep within myself that when the music brought those things to the surface... I was flattened. paralyzed as a person. For some reason, I feel like this effect was meant to happen from their music. I became scared and paranoid, but instead of going to the doctor, I've learned to live with it. I don't know if it's the right choice to have made, but I've decided to do it and to me it's the right choice because of that. After my first panic attacks (which I "KNEW" WERE HEART FAILURES) I started being forced into a state of manual breathing. I couldn't stop my mind from focusing it's attention on my breath. When you stop naturally breathing, your breath starts to give you panic attacks and anxiety, because of hyperventalation. It wasn't until I learned how to control my anxiety, through LETTING manual breathing happen- not controlling it, and then not latching on to it when I was, My anxiety went away. IT was like a form of meditation I invented to heal myself. That process (which was roiughly a year?) was very empowering for me as a person.
The synchronicites came soon after the manual breathing. It was like the # 13 followed me around, I noticed it any time I could.. Not only that, but I noticed that the things I was conciously thinking were constantly coming back to me via another persons mouth, or that concepts I was thinking of were appearing in almost real time as I thought of them.. Giving examples would be hard, but the experience of synchronicty if you've ever had a heavy dosage of it will completely shatter and change what you think of your place in the universe. The key for me was to not let ego get in the way and try not to call myself (god). Which became easier and easier as I met people in my small town who had the same type of experiences, not all from music, some had it their entire lives. But knowing that the SELF at it's core experienced these same things, it felt like there was this acceleration of something within all things inside the universe. The end result of evolution. A transcendental object at the end of time, casting it's shadow back upon us (VOILA).
I wanted to BE death grips. Not literally, but I wanted to be able to express myself in such an unhindered way, but my something unknown within holds me down and makes me it's bitch. I don't do what I want. I do what it wants me to, because fear still controls me. I don't know what it is that I am supposed to let go of. But the more and more I failed to free myself, the more I felt death grips knew.... and that they were disappointed.
COME UP AND GET ME triggered this. It was like being challenged through that song, to come up to where he was/ Soon after GP drops, and after hearing "COME COME FUCK APART IN HERE... I... DIE!" "I'm not you I'm not you I'm not you! FEAR YOU WEAR IT WELL, MADEMOISELLE" I felt like there was this essential part of myself that death grips was interacting with. While now it seems that it's something within everyone, that we all experience at some level, to me at the time.... the music was made for ME and was made to show me my faults. IT showed me the things that gripped my life with the force of death. I'm trying to shed these parts of myself, and it wasn't until much later that I realized that the reason that these songs seem so personal, is that they are coming from such a covered and recessed place within stefan/zach/andy, and that they were putting themselves through what was probably an immense amount of suffering to use the art to heal themselves. I don't know this, but entertaining this idea is better for my life than thinking DG wants to kill me for fucking up.
Soon after GP in january of '14 my gf has a miscarriage... then afterwards bbpoltergeist becomes their twitter account. It fucked me up. Baby ghost? what? why?
Then NOTM is released, and it has struck somewhere very personal for me. my darkest parts. MY shadow.,
Time went on and I still couldn't rid these chains I imposed on myself. Maybe the only chains are the ones that I think are there. Maybe I'm free and my freedom comes with recognizing that nothing is actually wrong, but I don't know how to. I wanted so bad to be free from this. then IN ANIMATE SEN SA AY TIOON. Is released. On my birthday. MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.
To me it was like a message from the band, and what struck me most was OH YOU ALL WANNA RIDE, WELL I AINT GOT ROOM..., STRESS AS WE CONTINUE TO MAKE SHIT TIGHT THE LOOSEST!. I was either being told to stop pursuing what I was looking for, or like come up and get me.... another warning. God what I would do for some peace of mind....