This is such a shady area in the gay community. I’ll be flat out honest: I have a very common but problematic fetish (I hate that word) — I like turning out “straight” guys. I watch “straight guy first time” porn, which I know is fake. I have probably been the first male on male experience for 5 guys 4 of whom I know now are in committed sexual relationships with women.

Currently, I’m secretly head over heels for a friend I met two years ago at work and have gotten very close to. We talk everyday. We hang out all the time (less since COVID). He’s extremely cute but can’t ever make his relationships with girls work. I’ve been alone with him...and I see him get hard. And there’s part of me that knows he’s probably a little bi.

It’s awful. I feel bad having these feelings knowing he either doesn’t feel the same way or never will admit that he does because of his conservative parents. Hell, he started talking to this girl at our second job, and I got so upset I told him I just couldn’t be friends with him because of my confusing feelings. He stopped talking to her that day.

It’s gross because I have guys who are out and seem legitimately interested in me, but it’s like I want to be the guy who gets the guy everyone thought was straight. I don’t know where I got this mindset. I think it stems from my own confusion about my sexuality in a very conservative household. So I looked up porn that was between “normal straight guys.” It’s stupid, but part of me thought if my mother loved my best friend as my friend, then if I date a guy like that — straight acting — she’d accept him. I think this guy probably has dealt with similar feelings, but his blatant prejudice is not okay ever. I understand this guy, but I don’t want to be like this guy.