She loves to drink wine and squirt all over the place. (x-post /r/wtf)

I woke up straddling the base of a toilet with my legs, my head next to a pile of my own pepperoni vomit. Had passed out for 3 hours.

Went downstairs, and people thought I had left the party already. Decided to go home, still drunk as hell.

On the way, I decide to call my campus security to have them pick me up on my way back to the student residence in case I didn't make it there.

Two minutes later, I feel the need to throw up, so I slap myself in the face, start sprinting as fast as I can, arms pumping like a T-1000, and begin yelling to myself, "YOU CAN DO IT. JUST KEEP RUNNING." People on the sidewalk out at 3:00am were very scared.

I come across a set of construction equipment/vehicles; one of them is open. Take a seat inside the excavator, and see the keys are there. Turn it on, and push one button. high-pitched beep that scares the shit out of me so I turn it off and run away.

Finally make it to the security car on the campus waiting for me, and do a really badly aimed attempt at a jump inside the passenger seat and bounce off the door. 30 seconds into the drive I barf out the window.

Make it back to the residence, get to my room and beign getting ready to sleep, but notice other people in the dormitory lounge, so I decide to drink a little bit more with them.

Wind up waking up the next morning in a pile of my own vomit in my room, all over my face and all over my pillow and sheets.

I wake up, still drunk, freak out with the amount of grossness, decide that I'm still tired, and go back to sleep in the pile of vomit for another 3 hours.

Wake up, repeat grossness, laundry for the rest of the day. Ten burger king. Tons of burger king.

TL;DR - Woke up in bathroom, had adventure home, woke up in vomit, went back to sleep in vomit.

/r/ConfusedBoners Thread Parent Link -