I didn't feel it was necessary for me to say the words "I am absolutely dedicated to research and academia, and feel that it right career for me", because this is not something I am unsure about.
I came to this country a little over 11 years ago as a High School Freshman knowing no English at all. With all of the class restrictions for ESL students (having to reach a certain ESL level before being allowed to take required classes), it was predicted that it would take me about 6 years to graduate High School. But I studied, went to regular school in the morning, night school twice a week, summer school, took online classes, and used whatever resources I had to do the best I could. Until my sophomore year in college I had never had a summer off.
6 years (almost to the date) after I first set foot in this country I did not graduate from High School. I graduated from college, with a Bachelor's degree (first woman in either side of my family to do so). I paid for school myself, and made the choices I could afford to make. Some semesters I worked 11pm - 7am at a hotel then went to TA a class at 9:30am. Others I worked 7am - 3pm, then went to classes and volunteered as a RA afterwards. My teens and early adulthood were controlled by piece of shit of a man who was decided to make sure I failed. Emotionally abused on a daily basis, forbidden from taking antidepressants when I needed them, pulled out of therapy when I needed it more than ever. Most of it while working 40 fucking hours a week, going to school full time, and volunteering at a lab part-time.
I moved to another state on my own when I was 20 to start my MS, worked part-time, and volunteered as an RA part-time (the PI of the lab eventually offered me a job. He is one of my recommenders). All of this while getting manhandled by personal circumstances, worrying about the wellbeing of my only family in this country and feeling awful seeing her be emotionally abused by a piece of shit every day. I felt overwhelmingly guilty seeing how hard she worked to help me in every way she could, and how she invested most of the little money she made on me to make sure I got out of that hell and succeeded in life. But I was lazy. At some point the circumstances became so bad that I just could not juggle everything anymore. The nights I cried too much and got sleepy, I didn't stay up to study - I went to sleep. When I finally had access to the medication I needed, there were days that the side effects fucked me up. In those days I didn't tough it through - I left class early. I registered for accommodations, contacted professors (early) to ask if I could do additional assignments, and did what I could. But I didn't do enough, so my degree suffered.
I kept going, got involved in as many projects as I could, got my name on as many publications as I could (as few as they are), got promotions, and here I am. NO PhD program will ever be as difficult as my life had been until a couple years ago (until that piece of garbage of a man finally left our lives). None. I've been rejected, been disappointed, been scared, failed, and yet I'm still here trying to pursue my goals.
So here is my rationale for asking the questions I asked but not expanding on how much I really want this: Because no fucking member of any admissions committee will ever know what I just told you above. None. Ever. Why? Because it doesn't fucking matter. Persevering despite difficult circumstances is a great feature for a good PhD student and academic to have. But you know what is the most important feature? Academic success. And I haven't achieved that. I have not demonstrated the quantitative skills or academic performance necessary to be a successful PhD student. I may have more passion and desire than many PhDs I've met, yet I was rejected and they were accepted. Why? Probably because they were smarter, had higher grades, higher GRE scores, and more competitive applications. Please let me know if you think what I am saying is untrue, and why.
So, with that in mind, I figured a beneficial thing to do at the moment would be to get feedback on objective shortcomings (low GRE, bad GPA, among others) from people who are more experienced than me. My "this is why I absolutely need to get a PhD" is already sorted. I don't need any help with that. But objectively speaking, academia is not for everyone, and just being hellbent is not enough. I have a lot of passion for what I am pursuing (otherwise I would have chosen not to go through a lot of the things I went through). But I am not exceptional in any regard, and I don't have the resources to keep paying for applications and re-taking GREs for several more years until I get accepted. I just don't. So I'm trying my best to be realistic and strategic. If my low GPA would be a deterrent even in a program that didn't require a GRE, for example (even taking the other application materials into consideration), I may want to just put this on hold for a while until I can either get a scholarship to take classes, for example. But if the unrelated degree along with the low GPAs are way too overwhelmingly negative, I may just have to accept that I've reached my glass ceiling. Or maybe I'm being too pessimistic, and a few improvements in some of the changeable things would be enough to make me competitive and worth applying again. I don't know. That's why I ask.
Now take however many members of the Reddit audience reached the end of this long post, divide it in half, and you will have double the number of actual admissions committee people who would ever give a fuck. Then take that number, half it once more, and you will get the number of admissions committee people would even get to know now invested I am in pursuing this (not the literal sob story above, obviously. Just the sentiment that I have worked very hard to pursue this goal) because my application would never even get to their desk due to the things I'm Ask[ing]Academia about.
I have a feeling this reply will get a lot of down votes, which is sad. But hey, you asked! Lol.
Note: None of this is meant in a confrontation manner, btw. I sincerely just aimed to answer your question about my motivation. :-) I really appreciate your input.