Advice to men about how to be “good in bed” is all about vehement displays of aggression and dominance, pulling the woman’s hair, choking her, slapping her, calling her insulting names. I can’t do this convincingly.

Um...

My personal experience about being good in bed has literally nothing to do with anything on your list and everything to do with paying attention to and providing for what your partner wants/needs.

Understanding that all women are different and like differing levels of pressure for various things, as well as those who may be more susceptible to rhythm, have spots they really like/dislike etc.

Not once has some objective ideal of "do all this stuff to be seen as good in bed" crossed my path, in my personal experience.

As to lack of understanding flirting, I mean in a general sense I can see it being an issue, but sure, who you are, as you are, will appeal to others. You just have to find a way to find those people.