You aren't terrible for it. As others have said this is common for SA survivors but I wanted to pipe up and say it's pretty common for non-SA survivors too. My wife has never been assaulted but she enjoys mild consensual violence in the bedroom. She usually can't orgasm without some form of it like slapping choking, etc. I have to be careful when we get really into it because we can both kind of lose ourselves in the moment and she's a professional who goes into the office so I can't leave any marks that would be visible. Hell, sometimes she orgasms just from the violence, she's had full body orgasms just from me spanking her so hard that she bruises.