I used to beat myself up and feel ashamed about stuff I used to do in my younger years. I was the scapegoat in my family and got screamed at and blamed for everything. Although I was extremely shy and timid by nature, I started to act out by being as wild, obnoxious, and offensive as possible. I figured if I was going to get accused of doing bad things, I might as well have the fun of actually doing them. As I got older, this behavior combined with alcohol and drugs resulted in me doing things that I cringe to think about. I became known as the sloppy drunk teenage girl who tried to make out with everyone. But then, when I cleaned up my act and was ready to grow up, that reputation followed me. My group of friends counted on me to be the entertainment and life of the party. I was on a date once and we met up with an old friend and his girlfriend. Multiple times during the night my old "friend" made jokes and references to my "reputation" and laughingly warned my date about me. It was mortifying and I didn't even know how to respond. This sort of thing happened other times, with people referencing the past.

I ended up moving out of my hometown for a few years. I moved to another state and made some new friends. I went to therapy. I worked on myself and spent time on my hobbies and interests. I did eventually move back to my hometown, but I didn't advertise it to anybody. I quietly got a job and an apartment and just did my own thing. I finished college and went to grad school, got married, bought a house, all that good stuff. I am doing really well! I have more self-confidence & boundaries now and won't allow anyone to shame or talk down to me. I keep my social media locked down pretty tightly and have blocked people who have treated me poorly in the past.

The most surprising thing that has happened when certain people from my past have contacted me to catch up, they are always weirdly disappointed that I've done well for myself and am no longer the same person I was in the past, haha. I do sometimes lay awake at night dwelling on things I used to do. Instead of feeling shameful, I feel protective of that screwed-up teenage girl.