[M/s] Thirty years of incest

I wanted to reach out, basically. Do please realise that, although everything is relative in terms of perspective, that you're not the only one who has suffered life-long effects from the abuse of a carer with an unfit or unbalanced personality. And amazingly enough, I can promise you that there are millions of poor souls out there in a far worse scenario to the one you have suffered. You have something now, at least. Some victims never get to the chance to say the same.

The home schooling trap was what doomed me as well, along with four other siblings. I was not damaged to the extent you were though, during my childhood. But the phychological damage from violent and sexual abuse, had my introduction to the real world, play out in a similar way to your experiences since you left.

Adult education in college, low paid jobs and a dark secret which threatens to smear your image in anyones eyes, always ever present.

I fell into an abusive relationship within three years of leaving the house I grew up in, but after eleven years that came to an end.

I have changed so much, from the immature and helpless personality that left that house at sixteen. I feel in part a beautiful person, but do feel at times a broken person who could have been so much more.

One aspect to the abusive relationship, which kept me dependant within it, was that my partner knew my history and accepted me still knowing how damaged I was. I mistook it to be love, and lied to myself about the red-flags that would never be in a really mutual and loving relationship. I am still grateful for my children which came from that relationship. They mean everything to me, and I don't feel that I've sold them short thus far. I value the social conditioning (or nurturing) with comes from mainstream Schools, and am honestly proud to see how far they've come -when compared to my educationally starved childhood. The message I keep reminding them of, is that some day they will be wiser than I am, more successful and fulfilled -and that I will always be proud of them.

So many experiences, which are taken for granted during normal childhood, I experienced for the first time as a young adult. My first cinema, first swimming experience, beach vist, first friend (although none of my friendships seem to hold well -I've lost a lot of life experience and therefor am not the most interesting of personalities) and the my first visit to a playground was when I took my first child.

I am, so far, very grateful for my situation as it is. I am a lot more humble and a lot more appreciative of the little things in life. I genuinely love (in a non-sexual way) and admire people around me. I feel great reward from doing the right thing as well as helping others achieve their own personal goals. Reflecting properly, not romanticly, I owe much of these qualities to my abusive father. As I see it, a normal upbringing does not garantee a genuinely nice personality, and through watching his hatred and greed destroy everything around him -taught me what not to do with the gift of life. It was after that revelation, I visited his grave and wished him well. Spoke to him properly, for the first time. In no way, what he inflicted on my siblings and I was correct to any stretch of the imagination. But he did show me how not to treat yourself or others around you. That from now on, my mistakes are my own.

Sorry if I went on for a bit. But I do feel the need to reassure you somehow. Some of us do get there, in the end. Our personalities are just "born" a little later than others.

Do hope you have the life you want -some day, there is still time x

SC

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