I'm not a fit parent. That was a big part of why I eventually came to the conclusion that I shouldn't have kids anyway. I've become spoiled by the freedom. I like my free time. I like being able to spend money on what I want and need for myself. I like not having to listen to screeching and crying and temper tantrums. I like being able to get up and go somewhere without having to worry about what to do with the kid.
I'm afraid I would resent the child, that I wouldn't be able to give her the love she deserves. There's also no telling at this point whether she will be neurotypical. I don't have the patience to deal with a neurotypical kid, let alone a special needs child. I feel so fucked but if I walk away, I worry what will happen to the kid. She's an innocent life caught up in all this and I'm afraid what kind of life she's going to end up with. I'm afraid I may be her best shot at having anything close to a good life.