Well sometimes it's hard to be your real self sometimes. It's a daily battle and sometimes I fail and get screwy and act weird and drive people nuts.

What happens then is I get even more depressed and can't stop feeling bad for how I acted. I replay it over and over in my head until I almost can't take it anymore. I get sick of being a bad person and my energy to deal with feeling awful about myself is running low. I'm 46 now and it's getting harder for me. I will kill myself someday because of it. I hate the way I am and can't deal with how I am and how I make people feel anymore. I used to be the most kind and good human being.

If you don't have mental illness be grateful. It's exhausting and we hate ourselves too for the way we are. It will cut my life short. I have always had mental illness as I suffered severe trauma as a child. It got worse in my forties and I'm scared.