my boyfriend is 20 years older than I am and has been married twice, also has a kid. I get along great with her and we really love eachother. it‘s also clear for my boyfriend and me that we‘ll spend the rest of our lives together. he‘s the total father-guy (I‘ve honestly never seen a man being so into parenting and doing such a great job) and would love to have more kids. me - I‘m not so sure about it. growing up I was SO SURE I‘d never want kids and I was sooo annoyed by them. Now I‘m reconsidering it. what‘s important tho, is that he doesn‘t put any pressure on me for taking a decision. he‘s fine with both cases as he already has a daughter. and basically, I have one too now. regarding the future: we‘ve already talked about it a lot and have some basic plans which obviously aren‘t set yet, as so many things can change. I think I want to get married in a few years, we‘ll may have a baby in 2-3 years (due to his age we shouldn‘t really be waiting too long), we talked about how we‘d handle it (job-wise) and as he‘ll get into retirement 20 years earlier than me that will be a bit of a challenge. but what really bothers me the most is that he‘ll probably die way earlier than I will. this hurts my heart so much and it scares me. I‘m an introvert and even though I don‘t have problems making friend when I put effort into it, I just never really feel the need to do it. also, we both grew sooo much in the past two years, consistently seeing our therapist, reading a lot about personality disorders, analyzing people together, cutting all the toxic shit out of our lives. both of our lives have changed a lot due to this and it brought two major issues with it: 1) it‘s really fucking hard to find non-toxic people (especially due to narcissism) 2) it’s hard for me to hang out with people who don‘t know anything about these topics, because they don‘t get my problems, they don‘t understand the way I think, so basically they don‘t understand who I am.
I have two childhood friends I deeply care about and want to maintain the friendship. other than them, there‘s no one really. so one of my biggest goals is to find some more friends who are at the same page as me, mainly so I won‘t be all alone when my bf dies. this is the only issue I‘m seeing in our relationship. I‘m looking forward for both of us getting older, I think he‘ll be super cute being 70ish, I wouldn‘t mind taking care of him if anything ever happens, I don‘t care about sex enough for it to be an issue if the time arrives when he can‘t really „do his job“ anymore. I also know that if this changes and I‘ll have unsatisfied needs, we‘ll find a solution. BUT WHY DOES HE PROBABLY HAVE TO DIE SOONER THAN ME UGH