Jodie swap his urine sample with yours?
Hey man, I'm 35 as well and like to do.... like 2/3s of those things. I'm a military brat and still have some of that culture I never could shake. My best friend childhood was a dorm slut, her dad was a D.I., we were alcoholics for about 5 years, had a knock down, drag out fight behind the Barnes and Nobles on the Drag one night and last I heard she had stopped being a dependoptomous, joined the Air Force, was getting medded out for a hip problem and then went skydiving, had a her main deploy all fucked up and plowed into some soft farm field at like 55mph, while on med leave. She also ran me over with my own car when we were 16 and broke my wrist that wound up being a life long crippling injury. At one point she was the love of my life who's affections I desperately sought out.
I got ELS'd out of the Army for....reasons....but still managed to walk away with my fair share of bat shit stories. Back in 2001, Ft. Knox had these two office SGTs who were married to each other. One was on days and the other worked evenings/swings in the Reception Battalion. Daytime guy was a quiet, conservative type but definitely had a mean streak to him. Like, he wouldn't go ballistic, he'd go stir up those crazy ass Reception D.S.es and sic 'em on us. His wife was, by contrast, a very laid back, easy going SGT. She wasn't a push over but showed more empathy and compassion. Everyone wanted to be a night runner on her shift since she was one of 3 females in the building. That was a very dangerous position to take though. She would do the most bizarre, "I've gotta be on a fucking hidden camera show" type shit. One night she pulls up her shirt to show off her abs, which she most certainly earned and were worthy of putting on display, but not to a bunch of dudes who can't jerk off. I was bad enough we saw the bottom of her bra, it became Russian Roulette when she started telling us to feel her abs. Her husband would come up for lunch most of her shifts. He seemed like a wee bit of a possessive man.
So yeah. I'm a smoker and I burn when I go outside during sunlight hours, but I have stories!