Damn... just damn... if it's worth anything, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Also, while I'm very passionate about this subject, wanting to die does not make you a piece of shit and this is not a personal attack. Honestly, don't read this, I'm just an internet stranger sharing their perspective on suicide.

My older brother committed suicide 10 years ago and I can't say that I understand why. I will say his decision still affects my family to this day. My Dad's been depressed ever since and he's just now learning how to deal with it. Of course, this is after he was fired from a company he'd been working at for 21 years, fell further into depression while looking for another job, then gave up, and is now hyper invested in my uncle's side business all while my Mom became super stressed out (being our only source of income) and prone to lashing out.

Also, yeah I'm mad about it. I know it's not completely my brother's fault that things turned out this way, but he made a conscious decision to make the jump.

I don't know your situation, but my brother had a Father who fought for YEARS dealing with my brothers shit, tried fucking everything to help his son. Suicide wasn't a relief it was a fucking BETRAYAL. I know it's ultimately my brother's life, my brother's right, IDGAF.

Anyway, if you're trying to live and make things better, cudos you have a random internet strangers support. If you commit suicide, then you're dead to me (no pun intended).