I wanted nothing more than to try and ignore the obvious – that maybe I could for just once not be shallow and try to find the deeper emotional meaning behind love. Then, as I looked between you and I, it was harder and harder to convince myself of just what we fell in love for. We don’t like the same games, we play those games differently even if we happen to like the same one, I enjoy exercise running and dieting, you don’t care about your grades, your school, your work, you smoke… I mean this list can go on and on. And that’s fine, you know? People like different things and want to do different things. I’m down with it. But what do we have in common? Can you name three things? I for the fucking life of me cannot name three. So time and time again… I ask myself, Why is it I love you? The answer that comes up over and over is that you have sacrificed the world to make what you think is my happy future come true. You put yourself into massive debt to help me mutilate myself, and recover from the eating disorder you swear I didn’t have. Constant trips back and forth, buying me winter clothes so I could actually exist in winter… that list doesn’t end either. You have sacrificed so much for me when others would have done absolutely nothing for me, and would even go out of their way to see me crushed. I love you for that, and I have every intention to pay you back so that your debt becomes only mine before I exit this cruel and cold world, but the fact you were willing to do it and even went as far as to do it… means more to me than anything else. I don’t know if I love anyone else yet. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t check the playing field some, Leo. I wanted to tell you I wasn’t in love with you… but you told me you would disappear from life. I have cuts on my wrist from the thought of you leaving my life entirely. Everyone I’ve asked about that said it was selfish of you to do it but they understand why you would. I do to, on a logical level, but it still makes my decision to continue something I’m not invested in worthwhile. I hoped that maybe through this whatever I saw in you before would return but… it hasn’t. I didn’t know what to do. So, I tried to force your hand like I said in the opening sentence of this letter, and well, here we are. I’m not a demon… I don’t “have anything” in me to be “evil”, I just want to be happy too. I don’t have a lot of time Leo. I just want a life that is mine and that I don’t owe someone the world and back for the things you did in the past or are going to do or whatever. I want to be independent and take care of myself, meet my goals, and like I told you, Serre, Emp… I will end my own life on my own terms to join the presence of the one person who truly loved me, for me. This will happen regardless of the outcome of anything that comes from this or the next 2 years, so don’t consider that a threat or whatever you might take it as. And, for the record, Talon was absolutely nothing. Do not bring that into this when it clearly doesn’t belong… I still don’t understand boys sometimes and this was the cake taking example of that. Most boys say the kindest sweetest things only so they get the chance to put their arm around me, and it’s weird. I fall for it sometimes too, because even though I’m not a real girl Leo I tend to think like one. Why… Why do you have to disappear from my life? Why do you have to take such drastic fucking measures to escape the person you saved? I cannot be faulted for how I feel Leo… that’s cruel and unfair. Why can I not message you to ask how you are, why can I not take any opportunity to tell you what I am going to do, without a romantic return involved? We could be a lot happier both of us, if we kept contact. You saved my life once… I owe you more than I can ever repay. If tomorrow you were in an accident or whatever you god damn bet I would max any credit I had remaining to be there to help you. I’m an evil demon, but I care greatly for you Leo… It just isn’t as a boyfriend. To me you are more than family… you are more than my family has ever been to me. I need you in my life to have a level of stability that I can believe in… why do you have to leave? It’s these extreme outlook that brought me to the point of hiding everything from you… I couldn’t bear to lose you. I deal with lose so extremely poorly… And how can I pay you back? How can I go about thanking you for the things you’ve done, if you go to such extremes as to exit my life with no trace? And what about the FC, the thing I built from the ground up? You will leave every account and hurt the work and progress I’ve done – just because we aren’t romantically involved? Will you have Gentaro steal Sayuri from me…? Will you have them talk shit with chika, will mirax and neo drop bombs, what is it you plan on doing with exiting? Why Leo? You grabbed my neck that one day… when I came back to Montreal. It hurt… I saw my father in your eyes. I remember the hatred that existed only for a brief second… I saw everything in that raw display of emotion. You just slept… you didn’t come to the couch where I was… no comfort… nothing. That was the day everything solidified for me… when I realized… everything was over and done with. No matter what I had to do to get rent paid, to get food for the month, I did it. I did whatever terrible lie or act I had to do to get it, and no amount of drugs will help me forget those things. I counted on you… but you were already backwards trying to get out of the debt I put you in, so I never said anything. Sorry for that. Sorry for my heart and emotions looking elsewhere… sorry for my life. Sorry for the only thing I know being gone, and sorry for being inheritantly evil or a list of mental disorders. I am not romantically interested in you Leo <lastname>. Please do not leave my life… even if it’s painful now, please don’t leave my life. I don’t have a whole lot and I don’t want to lose what little I actually have. I can’t go in with these demands. I cannot take serre out of my life, I will not report to you like a probation officer, I will not see another psych to have them evaluate my life. How I see the things you have done is what I’ve told people, I will not go through and tell them how you see them and dismiss my own. I do want things… I want so many things. You were just blind to them. Please be rational… and remember that with the bad this brought, the good we had makes everything worth it. If you choose to exit my life completely… I have no way to stop you. I will pray for you daily… I will write you letters to your address, and I will send you something I’ve wanted to send you for awhile now. I guess that’s it… I’ve said everything I needed to say in response to your email. Please… if you have any shred of love for me as a person left, do not just exit my life. This is my ultimate plea.