I know you might not like this answer, and I didn’t for a long time but you might really want to consider trying a program out like AA or NA. I was really against it for the longest time, but decided to finally give it an honest shot this summer. It’s not easy doing the work. You have to look at your character defects and make amends, look at your part in things. And just get honest. Getting honest is the hardest for me. When I was in active addiction there were so many things I didn’t like about myself and I am so ashamed of a lot of my past behavior. I even thought maybe I wasn’t a true addict because over the course of my life my addictions changed form drugs, eating disorder, to alcoholism. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting any better. I got in a relationship over a year ago and tried my hardest to quit for him, but the alcohol always crept back up. I didn’t want to hurt him and I fought my hardest to be a better person. I was very insecure because I felt so undeserving of love. Being surrounded by people who are like me, who call me out on my bullshit and who help me really understands why I am this way helps a lot. You can get past it and change, and there is an entire community out there who would love to help you.