This is better than I what I usually say. It is difficult and I'm sorry. I have experienced it too. He knows I never felt like I never asked me why. Same reason ideas afraid to hurt him. He also unloved me unconditionally. And showed it in his own why. I had such a hard time seeing it. It was awful. I had to heal the part of me that thought I couldn't be loved before I could see it for what it was and when I did was devastated. I am mature enough to understand that he was never to blame for our situation. We were kids. I wish I could be an adult could be there for him. I tried very hard to make that happen. But I failed. And it made feel even less worthy. I'm only here not because I feel worth it yet. Someday that'd be nice. Perhaps I could become a better person. I became a better person when I realized I could be loved. But then I felt like was a horrible person for having hurt him. I contacted him. And talked to him barely. Honestly I still find it hard to figure the part of myself that did that. Honestly I don't think I care that this I'm reddit for everyone to know. Fuck everyone who judges me. I have a heart. I am not made of stone. I won't put up with abuse and I will go out of my way to quote one of my favorite songs "do for those I care for what I can." But I would hate to follow in that singers footsteps. It might just be my lot. You can love someone so much and do everything you know and still fail. That's so scary. What makes something work is grit. I'm not good at sticking with it consistently yet but I at least know what I need to improve.