Because I'm a hollow voiceless shell of a human being. I had light and life until my late teens and then got crushed by the weight of life. I can almost remember what it used to feel like to be natural with other people, look them in the eye without thinking about it, laugh with them, joke, chat shit. Now life feels like being an automaton impostor trying to pass as human under unimaginable severe scrutiny from every person I meet. There is no spark left, I have been crushed.

Suddenly a decade passed where I could not be myself with other people. I feel like my basic rights of expression were revoked when I became an adult. I feel like there is an unspoken language which I've forgotten and my life from here is going through the motions and all of my relationships with others are based on trying to mitigate the hatred towards me. Hatred is the default state and all my worldly endeavour is to prove that I am undeserving of hatred for a little while.