I am sure I am gay, yet 90% of thr time I shamegasm to women. Still half stuck in the self closet.

For example I can get off to femdom clips like Bratty Bunny so long as there is no nudity or explicit sexual behaviour by the woman, and the subject matter she is talking about is sissy/emasculation or forced bi.

To get off to these clips I will pump an inflatable vibrating buttplug up to about the size of a grapefruit up my ass, while I am sniffing poppers and drinking.

I'm conscious though that it is just the woman's words that are turning me on, together sometimes wirh a good visual aesthetic, but there aren't any sexual activities I would want to do with her. Also most of the times the women are stupid, annoying, inarticulate hambeasts, and I have wasted a lot of money on shitty clips.

Recently I got into clips where the woman instructs you to masturbate like a girl. Rubbing/strumming/palming your limp dick. I close my eyes (having discovered that not looking at the woman = bigger turn-on), sniff the poppers, pump the plug, palm my cock and balls, and get myself higher than the sun.

I can also get off to fashion videos/very softcore/non-sexual videos of 10/10 women like Guerlain from Wowgirls or Katya Clover while listening to audios like Domina Stern's Curse Averse, or Sarah Diavola Impotent Hypnosis.

So I'm still trying to cling on to fantasising about women while also trying to turn myself off them. It's a drug thing and a porn thing and a mind game thing. I do wonder if I might have gender issues to enjoy getting off like this, but most likely it's just that I am slow in coming out of the closet. When I do manage to switch over to gay porn it's always the best feeling, as it is about my actual sexual attraction, whereas with women it is just guilt, shame, aesthetics, and anxiety.