I know it's a long post, but your story stuck a chord. tl;dr My older sister and I grew up in a similar household as your boyfriend. My older sister fell into the same cycle you're falling to. Don't gamble with your life and leave him. Find yourself and your dream. What goes on in your head when he loses it? Are you worried for your life, his, or both? My older sister and I had rough childhoods, similar to your boyfriend's but not as extreme. I grew up experiencing similar shit your boyfriend experienced. I also grew up seeing my sister fall under the same cycle you've fallen into. I grew up seeing her boyfriend's tantrums and hearing his sweet talk. Eventually he started beating her, and she would take it out on me. One day she had enough and grabbed my head and slammed it against a broken vase we had on the table. The cut was half an inch from my eye. I've been mentally and physically scarred, but I wasn't worried about anyone but myself. I wanted to get out, so I worked my ass off and got out of my home. I persevered because I never lost sight of what I didn't want to become. I didn't want to become like my drunk father and beat my wife, and takes my son to another woman's house so I could fuck her. I didn't want to become like my sister's boyfriends and beat other kid's sisters. When I was 6, I witnessed a murder. I don't know if that's why I've had disturbing dreams and thoughts similar to your boyfriend's. I dreamt and thought of killing my family and imagined what life with them dying would be. To this day I have no idea what I truly want to do with my life, but I know what I must not be. In my opinion your boyfriend is weak. Which is why I ask; what goes on in your head when he loses it? My sister had 5 children, with 3 different guys. 2 of those died because her current boyfriend neglected them when she left them in his care. A six year old and a 2-month-old infant. She's still with him. I have forgiven my sister, but I don't understand her reasoning for staying with him. Do you want to have a future with him? Do you want to have children with him? Can you imagine having your baby witness his/her father breakdown and beat you? I'm your age, and I'm also am trying to figure out how to live life. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't take a gamble that you're not sure of winning. You don't know if that was the first and last time he blacks out. I know you're miserable, because I see it in my sister's face every time I talk to her. Do yourself a favor and leave him please. He doesn't need you, and you don't need him. He needs to find himself and you need you find yourself.