I am sorry. I am. I am not being sycophantic I am speaking my peace. I needed to wake up and move on. I don't hate you. I was torn apart by the "procedure" it's true.. and there were elements to those last four months that you never had enough information to understand. I should have told you, that was my fault. I felt very alone, and like you didn't need to hear the death rattles of our relationship in the background. I wanted to reassure you, but you had lost the glimmer you once had had and a part of me hated you for giving up on me at such a crucial time after the break up. I haven't been completely forthcoming about what was going on then, I was hoping to use the time after my test to make everything clearer. I get that you have to "date your parents" to some extent. You have to convince your community to be sure about your relationship. It's that or to choose to suffer too many drawbacks. I get that you needed those ties to strengthen and change. You couldn't have known that change was just over the horizon and you really had tried your best to make what we had function without much help from my end. You were right that you wouldn't find someone who can replace what you "needed" within our relationship, but you will find something else, and hopefully something worthwhile which can supply something as raw and intimate as what we once had. You will never know how many "mistakes" and "half-truths" and even fake "ambitions" construed my indirect inch toward causing us to separate. I needed you to think that I was aimless. I needed to hate you. I needed you to make me feel weak and ineffective and unsuccessful. I needed you to resent me. I wasn't strong enough to stop loving you without it, however demoralizing it is to admit it for yourself.. you've been actively doing the very same things.. We weren't built to stop what we had under any circumstances or on any other timeline. You know that I am one of the most valuable people in your life, even now. I know that you have everything going for you, and that you can make this new life work for you. I have resentments and fears and I also have excitement and intrigue involving the future. The world is much more vibrant when each person you meet is a means for a community and friendship. I don't think that we should have contact (as is obvious to the both of us at this point). I assume you hope for the reconciliation, of course, at some point. You wouldn't know me on the drug of a break-up. You wouldn't recognize me. That was to be expected. The guy who plays guitar and chess and paints and reads and travels.. who loves neurobiology and mathematics and AI and wanted a partner who had passions and interests and followed her dreams.. he.. I guess he's just older now.. He wants understanding.. calm.. dependability.. insight.. sociality.. mental fortitude.. deep passionate love.. marriage.. children..

If we'll never be friends don't respond (goes without saying).. I wouldn't anticipate that that decision would last forever, but if that were how you felt now, by all means do what is right for you (you will regardless, I know).. but In the event that you might want to prevent me from dispelling any notion of caring about Nicolette Goulart as a platonic extension of my past present and future (without inviting ANY contact for several months to a years time...), you might think about saying goodbye. Say a few words.. let's not leave this hanging as a negative wound and divide for future engagement later on.. we will both live long lives here in Boulder, I want my AI friend to cross-examine at get togethers.. and you'll want a Boulder Doc to have your back, like none other, when you've sprained your ankle for the fifth time escaping bands of renegade prototypes. We let our love become messy and traumatic, let's do this break up right. I promise to be strong this time. I promise to honor the obvious boundaries. Goodbye Nicki.