I really empathized with this post because I know how frustrating it is to be stuck in whatever "role" your family sticks you in.
My adolescence as the youngest of four kids in a religious and military based family was terrible. When my only sister eloped I was 13, and while she was building a life all happy with her new hubby, I was overseas with my very scorned and bitter parents. I was never happy and I still hold a great deal of anger and resentment to all three of them. To top it off, my "attitude" as a teenager in the wake of their drama made me "angsty." That was my sister's word for how I was. I'm angsty. "Go cry alone in your room, angsty."
When I was 20, living on my own and finally happy with my distance and independence, my sister encouraged her son to call me angsty, instead of aunty. Everyone laughed.
My brothers are no better. I'm 25 and my oldest brother recently yelled and screamed at me, and threatened to fight me, for disagreeing with him about whether or not it's okay to let your 3 year old pee off the side of a public pool. My conclusion is that his inability to completely shatter my self esteem anymore makes him frustrated. Like I've taken some huge source of power away, and he doesn't know how to talk with me if I'm not being completely submissive, passive and sensitive.
What do I do? I don't engage them. I send my nieces and nephews Christmas cards. I never contact my siblings and they never contact me. We are friendly with each other at the once-or-twice-a-year-type family gatherings. (I will say, i have a very hard time at those gatherings. My siblings cause me huge stress and i am always glad when they are over with.) But, even then, I dont let conversations go too far beyond small talk. There's no hostility. No conversation to explain why I never call or write them. They just aren't a part of my life, save for a holiday once in a while.
And I'm SO HAPPY WITH MY LIFE. BECAUSE IT'S MINE.
I think you need to take their power over you away, op. Start surrounding yourself with people who see the version of you that you worked for, that you want to be seen as, and not ones that insist on drudging up a past you've put behind you.