I've thought a lot about that for the last two months since all of this bullshit started happening. It's hard for me cutting contact with her because I've become so stupidly dependent upon her for so many reasons. She got me into teaching, then completely backed away, she was there to support me when things seemed to be at their worst with my brother two years ago and with my friends, but I realize she's the one who made me feel terrible about myself in the first place. The first time we were genuinely together almost three years ago now, she got wasted and tried to fuck my then best friend. She apologized profusely and said she had thought it was me because she was blackout drunk. A year after that, when I was feeling down at my job working retail at the Apple store, she went off with another guy and wouldn't answer any of my phone calls and then acted as if I was the one who drove her away...

She can be like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. Alternately sweet as can be, loving, affectionate, interested in me and then, with a passing of a day or I'd something is not going right in her life, she just acts as if she hates me. She might lose her job at the elementary school where she teaches right now because of budget cuts as a first year teacher and that is playing a major role in her attitude. I've just tried to ask her how her week has been and been saying good morning and have a great day at school, all the normal things a person would say, and I get nothing in return. No "thanks" or "have a good day too! '. It's like she can't even muster the energy to say that to me, something that takes all of fifteen seconds and 1 Watt of emotional energy to do... She has literally never been that type of person anyways, never been the touchey feel sort like me or open with her emotions. I feel completely used by her right now. Like I'm just comfortable guy she can toy with whenever she needs someone around.

I would love to be with someone who genuinely gives a shit about me. Who cares about the things I do and is supportive of my efforts, not condescending of them. I don't need someone who only sees sunlight shoot from my pooper, but it'd be nice to have someone compliment me, tell me I'm sexy or smart or kind for once. I say all of those things to her, all of the time, and I get zilch back. Sorry this is just a rant, but it's 7 in the morning here and I'm going to spend my day being miserable again I know. I'm not the guy who just brings roses over all the time or is suffocating her with gifts or just jealous attention. I would just like some attention at all. She mentioned that she needs to be the one to come to me, but that has literally not happened in months.

I'm sure there are two sides to every story and I am sure that me calling her out on the things she does that hurt me doesn't make her feel great about herself. She is an anxious person and has been through so much therapy and treatment in her life to deal with repressed issues like her step father committing suicide when she was 16. I feel like she's just really damaged in a lot of ways and makes me feel like I'm damaged too for caring about her this much. This just hurts a lot right now to have someone I've given my heart too treat me this way in return.