Me [28 M] with my [26 F] girlfriend of 3 months talked about kids. She does not want kids, and I'm 50/50, would you end it now, or wait and make a decision?

You won't truly know the right way to handle your relationship until you solidify the reason why YOU think you may want kids.

Wanting or not wanting them is totally fine, but you need to understand why you are making that decision. Having children is a BIG DEAL because you are basically creating another human being and then taking on the responsibility of molding them into a functional adult. If you think having kids is all about building sandcastles and teaching them to fish, you're going to be in for a rude awakening.

I would start by asking yourself these questions:

  • Can I afford kids? If not now, do I have a good plan for affording them in the future? (average cost to raise 1 middle class child to 18 years of age, excluding college costs= $241,000) Am I willing to delay retirement, or take care of my children during my retirement, if I need to?

  • Am I okay with making the lifestyle changes necessary to raise children? Kids need a stable environment while growing up-- this means no extensive travel, no sketchy housing, living in a good school system, and providing them with a safe environment. This rules out a lot of travel-based jobs and will limit which areas you get to live in (which sometimes means moving to a city you dislike or a suburb that's more expensive). This also means you might need to stay in a job you hate because you can't leave your kids without healthcare or a stable income.

  • Who will be caring for my children? Do I want my wife to be a SAHM? Would I be okay with being a SAHD? Is daycare an option on my salary? (average cost in the U.S.= $11,666 per year or $972 a month) Do I need to move closer to my parents-- am I even sure if they'd be willing to provide free babysitting? Am I willing to give up my career to raise babies?

  • Am I okay with putting my needs second to accommodate my child? Depending on your income, the needs of your kid, and the level of assistance you get from others, you may be able to keep most of your hobbies, or you may have to give up almost everything until you can have the time and money to resume your "selfish" interests.

  • If I end up having a child with disabilities, am I prepared to care for it for the rest of its life? This is a big one. No matter how careful you are during the pregnancy or how many tests you do, a baby can still be born with problems. Sometimes, these problems are so severe that they will never be independent and will rely on you for the rest of their life. This is expensive and draining for anyone to handle.

  • Do I understand that children are not an extension of their parents, but their own separate person? Your child has the potential to be an amazing person or a horrible one. Sometimes, nothing you do will make them turn out "right." You must also be okay with the possibility that your son might like dancing instead of football or that your daughter likes girls instead of boys. In other words- your kids may disappoint you or not live up to the expectations you've built for them in your head. You need to be okay with this, because they aren't yours to control.

/r/relationships Thread