At one point last year, he said he realized what a huge mistake he had made and said he was committed to rebuilding trust and said he was willing to tell me when there was contact. But the i felt suspicious and snooped and found out there was... i had no evidence what the nature of their contact was for the most part (though i did see a few benign emails from the affair partner in his email trash that he deleted). I read a conversation between him and a friend where he referred to talking to the affair partner. This all happened months ago, i got upset because i thought we were in agreement about total transparency but it all ended up turned around on me because i had snooped and violated his privacy and hadnt even found anything really damning (except that he wasnt being transparent). I was also accused of basically not wanting to trust him and that it didnt matter what he did now because i just want him to fail and will "believe what i want." I have spent a lot of time trying to make up for how angry i was when i found out about the affair and the things i said to him in anger, and now it gets turned around on me that he cant be transparent because im too difficult to talk to because of how ive spoken to him (calling him names like a fucking liar, i think i even once when i just found out, called him a piece of shit). I have a hard time feeling that badly for calling him those things. Perhaps it is awful of me that ive lost a fair amount of respect for him so ive behaved disrespectfully in how ive talked to him. I also understand it is a violation of privacy to snoop but at the same time i feel like if he cant be trusted to make me aware of information that is 100% my business that i deserve to know, that one of us has to make a sacrifice.

Most of what ive read says that the cheater needs to basically be game for all the anger and rage about the affair, from the partner he cheated on, if he wants to rebuild trust. But his perspective is that i was emotionally abusive and he isnt going to tolerate being called names and spoken to that way. It seems outrageously petty to me of him. But i dont want to invalidate anyones feelings of being emotionally abused and berated. So ive ended up holding in all my rage and anger about it. I mean, i dont think things will last much longer because im growing so resentful and unhappy.