Me [30M] with my [23F] girlfriend, recently found out she was sexually assaulted several times and still very confused

I am surprisingly good in situations like this and have been through this a few times. In order to be good in situations you need follow the following rules.

  1. No judgement. Not on the assault, not on what she was doing before the assault, not on what she did after the assault, not on when she decided to tell you. You are there to literally be a blank slate for her to talk at. If you are going to judge any part of what happened then you should simply not talk to her.

  2. Quiet listening. When she decides to tell you it will be a huge deal for her. She is worried about you going into details she may not want to divulge. So don't ask intrusive questions, don't ask if she is getting any help, don't try to solve any problem. Let her say exactly what she wants to say and nothing more.

  3. Physical contact. Just something small like a hand on her back or holding her hand can give her reassurance that you are there for her as a partner. It is something small but talking about sexual assault is a huge deal and small comforts help

  4. She talks when she wants to. You tell her that you understand it must be difficult but if she ever wants to talk about it you will be there without judgement. I would actually make sure she knows that you are there for her but will not push her to talk.

  5. Don't talk about the people who assaulted her. No shit you're mad. Did you think she would assume you loved them? This is not your situation. This has nothing to do with you. You do not need to have any emotions towards her attackers. You only need to be there to love and support your girlfriend.

  6. Don't try to fix future assaults. Don't police her behavior. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. At some point later in time you can say "how do you feel about going back?" but you cannot then go "because here is how I feel" unless she asks how you feel. Again she is an adult and can make her own decisions without you acting like her parent. This is one thing that she would fucking hate and one of the reasons she would not talk to you. How shitty does it feel to be attacked and then because you told someone they decided they are now in a parent role and get to decide your actions.

  7. Don't act like these assaults which happened in the past affect your future. You didn't know about it until recently because she doesn't want you to change who you are. If you start acting differently then she is only going to regret telling you.

/r/relationships Thread