Me [31 M] with my wife [30 F], found out she is cheating...

This subreddit is very pro-breakup, and I'll probably get downvoted for this but I wanted to give you another perspective- not that I'd ever condone cheating. None of us know the dynamics of your relationship other than "she cheated" but I don't think it's enough for anyone else to make a definitive answer about what's best for you. If you want to save the marriage, you need to ask some very important questions. Not questions like "What's wrong with me?" or "was he better looking than me" because you'll go nowhere and it's not about you, no she was being selfish and this is about her and her relationship with you. There's something gravely wrong with it. but start with questions that dig into the core of her personality and your relationship:

"Why did you do it"

"What did this affair mean for you?"

"What were you able to experience that you could no longer experience with me?"

"What things about us do you value?"

"Are you pleased that the affair is over?"

"Why do you want to save this marriage- What's right with it? What's wrong with it?"

Don't ask her if she regretted her actions. Cheaters who are remorseful regret hurting their partner, cheaters who are not remorseful just regret getting caught. She's been doing it for a year- she doesn't regret the action itself. If she is only remorseful for getting caught, you might not be able to save the relationship. This is just my opinion.

After that, ask yourself:

"Is this marriage worth trying to salvage?"

Maybe if you ask these questions you'll be able to find out exactly what made her stray. Now you need to figure out whether she'll be a repeat offender. You'll never know for sure though, and this might haunt you for a while, or forever.

Repeat offenders might be unstable, so think about these questions:

Was she insecure?

Did this give her the validation that she needed?

Does she regret that she hurt you?

Was is really about the sex or was it about the desire to feel desired?

Did she want him simply because she couldn't have him? Does she want you more now because there's a real possibility of you leaving?

Does she understand the magnitude of what she's done?

Now you need to lay down some ground rules.

Here's some ideas:

You don't deserve this. Make it clear that you will not stay if:

1) She doesn't make an attempt to fix what caused you to stray in the first place (because she'll be a repeat offender)

2) She cheats on you again

3) She keeps talking to the person she had an affair with

Let her know that she has to take full responsibility for her mistake if she ever wants to rebuild your trust again. It's her responsibility to openly talk about it, and not make it the elephant in the room. You're the one who got betrayed, it's not your responsibility to handle said elephant- she needs to actively make sure you're not uncomfortable. It's your trust that has to be rebuilt if you want to stay in the relationship. It's her relationship with you that she has to fix. Do you really think you can use this tragedy as an opportunity to create something that is beautiful? Do you think she's worth all this trouble?

/r/relationships Thread