Thank you that's really sweet I thought I was coming across as a tad highly strung. I did only intend that little bit of snobbery to add some humour to my comment and in explaining myself I could only touch on how I actually felt about class as a child, I was so obsessed by inequality(I didnt care to be rich I just thought things would be better for everyone if everyone had roughly the same amount), so my fantasies weren't of the material kind, they were about politics and education, I seriously thought I was going to be politician and help people like me who the government let down no joke.
Anyway everything was going good when I left school, I was going to college, had new indie friends who thought I was the shit and you get £30 EMA a week when you go to FE college after school(if your household income is under a certain amount) so I was super happy bcus I had money for vintage clothes, the gym and art supplies. It was probably the best time of my life tbh but I was told to stop doing my A levels to go on benefits so I could get into some hostels after my mum went a tad crazy(ier) and er.. euphemistically'made me leave the house' so I had to stop college then.
Then I moved in the hostels with all the prostitutes, drug addicts and truly mental young women that lived there, it really changed me, it took the belief I used to hold tight and hard inside me that I would be okay if I just worked hard, its the closest I've come to spiritial, I used to think of that part as my soul because its the closest word to describe how inseparable that belief was to my whole, it was like my strength, happiness and home, this vague future promise of contentment, but i'd had it as long as I could remember, almost unconsciously so when it started to die it was a physical loss I felt.
I decided I'd leave as soon as I turned 18 and move to London, start stripping so I could support myself though college and Uni and carry on my plans just a couple of years late, I genuinely thought this was a good plan, I know I was naive but I think I was also unlucky. When I left I put all my books, all my pretty little vintage dresses from the 60s and 90s and the many Fred Perry polos I saved my EMA for in the Asda donations bin and took just one Fred Perry bag with two outfits, the necessary make up and high heels. I'm not much for sentiment.
My birthday June so it was the summer of 2008 I turned 18 and literally was on the 6am train, do you remember what happened in the summer of '08? It was when the recession started in earnest and London was the epicentre of the crash, aside from bankers and their expense accounts being about the majority of income in the stripping industry, London as a whole was crippled by the crash and nobody spends money on luxury lapdances when they might lose their job at any moment.
I saw it for a few weeks as busy and it was still hard then, it changed over night, the bouncers told me this time last year we had 8 times as many customers in, after Black Monday it became a struggle to make my house fee(£85 you pay each night up front) back, let alone profit on top. I just kept working nearly every night and saving so I wouldn't have to do so many nights when I went to college in a few months.
Here on reddit you probably get the impression men like young teens right? I too thought being 18 would be a plus, I knew that I was good looking and in the strip club, looking at the other women only raised my confidence in my looks tbh and especially my body, even the been-on-the-job-since-the-bloody-war manager thought my breasts were fake. But my face was a child's face with puppy fat and big young eyes, I was barely finished puberty when I started dancing, I assume not eating enough as a child was the reason. The men, even in only their 20s were disgusted when I told then my age and the guys older than that told me the Constant Customer Catchphrase and bain of my fucking existence "You're too good to be here." And when I'd try joke that offensive and frankly ridiculous line away they always learn in close and say 'I really mean it, you shouldn't be here." So it's like thanks mate for the vote of confidence, I'll use your welcome fucking opinions to buy food and pay my rent, cheers.
I had assumed it would easy to get dances at least but every guy wants you to seduce them into it with your sparkling wit, I didn't know that most men like to feel more intelligent and powerful than the women they are with, this is a problem because I was quite intelligent then and even if not exactly powerful, I'm kind of overwhelming. They want your wit to sparkle but not too much that it outshines their fucking ego. There were between 40-70 girls a night working and sometimes less customers than that. I knew nothing about men, never had a boyfriend, had sex or any kind of sexual intimacy or even been on a date, I don't think this helped the situation, not just with dancing but with understanding I should seek out human company, up until that point I'd try to avoid being around everyone I was ever near because they were awful human beings, I continued in that vein.
I went to college that Sept in London, did my AS levels, got As and then switched colleges(this is unusual) because the college I was at was truly a bumberfuck of epic proportions. Our media teacher literally forgot we had an exam until a week before it, it was worth 30% of the grade. Still got an A though and I helped these other girls in the class with revising and stuff (I love love teaching, its like you get to talk forever about cool shit and no one is allowed to interrupt, fab!) and one of them got an A as well!
I switched colleges to a better one, started working at a new club where I made so much money my lil booty bag for storing mullah would be overflowing in just a week instead of a month... I think when you grow up so poor just seeing money is a rush to senses or maybe just a comfort, I wouldn't put it in the bank till it was absolutely necessary though.
Okay I'll stop there, that was 5 years ago, then some depressing shit happened and although I still want to go to uni more than anything I don't even have any ID or a passport so I the only job I can get is one two train rides from the city I'm in now, there and back, two each way, its a club I used to live close too for a while and worked it but then I didn't work for a couple of years and they are the only people who still had my ID so let me go back. Its only open two days a week and the money is fucking terrible and I'm stuck in this hopeless situation. Just tryna figure out how to get a passport so I can get a job at a nice club near me, get a much nicer gaff, save up and apply to Uni.
For me the worst thing now is loneliness, I never really made any friends outside of dancing, when I was 16 everyone at college loved me and I was super popular, but I guess I must have been different girl then. So I have stripper friends but really that's not me and never was, in all the classic and fairly sexist senses I am actually a 'good girl'. It's only the past year or so I've realised that I've never had a bf, never been in love, never done normal human things that people need to do. I think its stumped my development as an adult, although I feel about 30(although I still get told I look 21-24, best day of my life when this girl goes to me 'you can't be more than 20'!).
Now that I need more than anything a hot man to hold me tight I just really want to get a swish flat, a-$$$-job and an education to make myself a loveable/fuckable prospect(I haven't even had sex in nearly 2 years). If I'd always had these totally normal needs and desires to impress and be validated I don't think I would have done any of the shit I've done in the past five years, I don't know why people always go 'I don't care what other people think!' Like that's a good thing?! You are supposed to care what people think of you, you are supposed to alter yourself to appeal to those who you need, this is the human thing to do.
I don't know why I have not sought out love and human connection in my life and I just don't understand why I got myself to this point of isolation. I feel barren inside.