Ive complained about this over the years to no avail. She says she doesnt know how to change. Ive asked her to go to therapy to work on it but she refuses.

Complaining isn't sitting down together and figure out a solution to how work through an issue together.... Complaining often just causes resentment. I think you should head to individual counseling and work through your feelings with a professional. They'll help you get an objective point of view.

Are my expectations unreasonable?

No, they're not... However, you've brought that situation upon you by yourself. Yes, you probably didn't notice this behaviour of hers from the beginning, but it's always been like this.... so you expecting her to suddenly change is not reasonable.