I get what you mean. The main thing to remember is that even though you may feel you are not in control, you totally are. It is your body and your mind. You definitely do not present your thoughts in writing as someone that is "insane."

There ARE good people in the medical profession that you can trust. You can definitely make that decision once you see them. Trust is always somewhat of a risk... deciding who to trust is just part of life. Sucks when you are already stressed to figure out who you can confide in. I will tell you these are not issues unique to schizophrenia- we all have to deal with this sometimes.

Keep in mind, there are many, many educated professionals that believe in conspiracy within government - with blogs or youtube channels. So you are not alone there. If you are feeling prompted to change the system - if you have a sense of purpose, I don't think you should feel alone in that either. Having those type of thoughts do not make you a danger - they make you awake to some of the things going on in the world. You are not alone. Having these types of thoughts do not make you insane. I don't think a doctor is going to be shocked on any way.

My only concern for you - and I speak as the mom of a son that has thoughts much like yours - is that there has to be a way to lessen the stress and anxiety around it all. It is easy to start to think you are isolated and can't trust anyone. Sometimes it seems like my son gets in his head like a vicious cycle and needs something medical assistance just to sort of hit pause for a minute. Just so you can get clear on what parts are truly fear-worthy - and what parts are manageable.

You most likely know that fear feeds on itself and can make it hard to think through all that. The solution doesn't have to be any sort of knock-out pill. In fact, you have the right to tell a doctor what you are willing to try - ask about side effects a and be very clear that if you sense they are distrustful you will be getting up and walking out. During one visit my son only agreed to take Benadryl for a few days - just to get some rest. He then was able to make decisions about what meds he may or may not want to try. You may want to consider getting connected to your dr now thought as things like this can get chaotic and then it may be harder to present yourself as making the choices from a logical standpoint.

Consider givng the dr a chance. If for no other reason then to get the stress and fear dialed back so you can get your thoughts organized around what parts are legitimately fearful and what thoughts might be caused by the stress / not sleeping, etc. You deserve to feel much more peace.