Dear You,

I know what I said, and I’m not writing this because I can’t stay away or anything, but I would be lying if I said that I haven’t been agonizing every moment that I do. I just have to say this because I’ve had a few days with it constantly on my mind, and I’ve been holding court in my head trying to consider as many perspectives as I can.

I truly don’t believe you were being thoughtless or malicious, and I’ll get to that eventually. I was taught that when I encounter a mystery I should assign the greatest probability to what seems like the simplest explanation. Probabilities are never one-hundred percent, nor are they zero, so there are always many possibilities and none of them are ever entirely impossible. But in order for that to work, I have to look at the bigger picture and not focus on one mysterious event.

I’ve had this thought for a long time (I would be completely stupid not to), and I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid of upsetting you. It’s not that I’ve been in denial; I’ve just been really selfish and overwhelmed with my own desire. The simplest explanation is that you’re experiencing something like I went through years ago, back when I was in language training. If you know that story, you don’t need much of a reminder. It’s the one where I let my heart wander.

I know I’ve told you that I wouldn’t make assumptions, but now I feel like by saying that I’ve put even more pressure on you. I can see how it might imply that I could be disappointed or something, depending on what the truth is. But I don’t want to be self-righteous. If you know all about me, then you know that I would have no right to be.

If what I’ve said is not what the truth is, then I apologize for putting you in a position where you feel like you can’t contradict me, though I don’t know what else would be holding you back. If it is the truth, then the first thing I want to say is that I completely understand what that feels like. I also have to acknowledge that I definitely have to take some responsibility for my part.

Let me tell you a narrative that has been playing in my head. If any or all of the details are incorrect, then again I apologize. Here’s where you can determine whether or not I’m a good detective.

Something led you to see what I was up to. I won’t make any guesses about that. What you found was much more than you ever expected, especially where I’d confessed that I had loved you first, and perhaps implied that I always would. Perhaps that trapped you unexpectedly, so instead of leaving it alone you stayed and followed along. I went through all the people who had ever held my heart for a time. One by one, I moved on from each of them. I narrowed it down to three (those I weren’t in a relationship with, that is), including you. Somewhere in there, I’d become aware that someone else was reading. At least, someone had up-voted the first 17 entries and made frequent visits, according to the traffic log.

Then one day I said that I would try to go back and rejuvenate some of my friendships, and I included two of those three. In fact, by yet another crazy coincidence between you and I, that was written exactly one year ago today. The one left out was you, partly because I thought I didn’t have the means to contact you, and partly because the thought of you frightened our blue friend because of how powerful my fondness for you truly was, and she barely knew you. As it turns out, it (to this day) was the last thing that I had written privately that had received a down-vote, and after that my mysterious reader seemed to fall off my radar for a time. If all that is a coincidence, I’m willing to accept that.

However, when I did rejuvenate those friendships, I gained the ability to move on from them, after which I stated “and then there was one.” I tried to let it be, but I guess I wouldn’t be satisfied with that. So through a series of events that eventually paved the way, I managed to find my way to you, and you were receptive about meeting with us. We did meet, and I saw that you had someone. Knowing that a majority of relationships are closed, I should have just left it alone. I told myself that I should, and if I were a more decent person maybe I would have, but I wasn’t moving on like I expected. Seeing you again only increased my desire for you.

I was trying and failing to reconcile my feelings, and my inner turmoil was increasing. Then you sent me a friend request. I didn’t know that you’d restarted your account after more than three years of keeping it off, but I guess it had been on for at least a week before you sent me that request. I’ve often wondered just how much responsibility I can take for bringing you back. I suggested that we should get together again, and you said that it should definitely happen soon.

We made more plans for January, but when you had to postpone until March, I was bummed out. Knowing that I was hurting, our blue friend decided to take some matters into her own hands and try to invite you to game with her. When that didn’t work out, I felt like we were pressuring you too much and so I said I would ease up and wait for your invite.

Then everything went dark at the other place. Maybe I upset you, maybe it was purely a coincidence, but I had felt at that point that you were the one who had been following me all along. I had been denying all that time that all those signals coincided too well with real-life events. They were always really consistent, coming in almost every day. When you said you’d be out of town, they stopped. Christmas, they stopped. When you were spoken to, but didn’t reply back, they stopped. When I said something that could have upset you, sometimes they stopped. His birthday, my anniversary, they stopped. This Sunday they stopped. But that time, they stopped for a while.

So I finally came out and said it. At that point perhaps I should have asked to speak with you to clear the air, but I let it go on anyway. It was selfish of me to do that. Then a couple of weeks later, I guess I started posting music that you liked, and you finally subscribed. Metal, it seems. I rejoined Spotify a month ago and checked you out, and it would appear that you really are solidly metal.

In what seemed like a response to that musical choice, the signals came in massive droves for a week or so. Then the up-votes came. Then I started to notice that you were up-voting comments, especially comments that were posted in threads weeks after the threads were posted. You weren’t watching the subreddit; you were watching my profile itself.

I started a couple of conversations with the others involved, and you went along with that. March came and went, and you didn’t send the invite. I tried to talk to you then, but you seemed very standoffish, and so I commented that I felt like you didn’t want me to talk to you. That got an up-vote, so I let that assumption stand, but you still up-voted the nice things I’d say about you. You did it more frequently, but when you reached out and made comments on social media to Blue and Red, I kind of wondered if maybe you didn’t get what you wanted from them because the up-votes stopped.

I let April come and go. I made that post for your birthday. Then the first of May arrived, and I had to comment about how not hearing from you was depressing me. When I told you I would wait for you no matter how long it took, an hour later you started making plans with her. That took a couple of weeks, but each time you’d talk to her an hour or two after I’d make a comment to you. The last four times you spoke to her coincided with a comment of mine within a day of making it. Until the 17 Days thing, I wasn’t commenting all that often.

Then you let your plans with her come and go, and I reacted naturally. You probably knew I would, just like I had before. But I don’t think it slipped your mind. I think you felt like you shouldn’t go. Maybe you didn’t think you should take the gift. Maybe you thought she would try to start a conversation about all this. And here we are.

I’m not saying that I’ve accepted this to be the truth of what has been transpiring, just that this would seem to be the likeliest. If it’s not, then I deeply apologize. I want to say all this because it is my sincerest hope from the bottom of my heart that doing so would give you some kind of relief.

I love you, and I’ve been afraid to admit that I may have been doing a terrible thing to you. I truly do not want to hurt you, and please know that I do not want to hurt him either. I am so very sorry to both of you for that if I am guilty of this. I feel like a person who loves you shouldn’t let themselves do what I have been doing.

I will not be doing anything unilaterally, though. I still feel like I can’t send you more messages here or at the other place, but I am not going to just disappear on you. I am always ready to listen to you if you want to speak with me. I am always willing to be your friend, whether or not you feel like I’ve been a very good one. I hope that you still feel like that is possible. I hope that I haven’t upset you. I’ve told you that I cannot judge you, and if all that I said is wrong then I hope you won’t judge me too much. Please accept what I’ve said with the sincerest of intentions.

Love,

Me