Wow, congrats. This is huge and sad and sobering at the same time. Your mom going away and deliberately exposing you to the fear of loosing your care giver, that is so cruel. I am so sorry.

My therapist helped me today to express my anger, and he said "you are VERY disciplined". For me who has always been told as a child that I was exactly like my mom (by my mom) and evil and the devil himself, this was a huge validation - and I feel like child me finally understands that I am nothing like my mom, but it was also sad to see how I am not really ever getting angry. I become a lion queen on behalf of others, not for me though. So my therapist will go on helping me to express anger, and I can see how he will be a pain in my ass with it. Today he said "you see how you distracting from doing this exercise?" He is always right with those kind of things. And I am sure he will be applauding me when I finally get there.

So I applaud you, for feeling and accepting your anger and your sadness about yourself. And I am glad that you are protected. hugs