You have a pit of self pitty. You will pick apart anything anyone tells you to validate your feelings, and because you're where you are at mentally, you aren't ready or willing to hear anything.

this is the part where just about everyone whos called you friend has probably given up talking to you about your issues.

your reality is what you perceive it to be. If you keep telling yourself nothing can get better, then that is the world you will foster and grow. I cant change, and nothing will ever get better, are bullshit - you cant see it.

assume you are blinded, and listen to what people tell you, and drop the shit attitude. That's another choice you actively make.

another thing it took was some damned discipline and patience. find some of that.