A melancholy night is leaving me with questions.

I’m very sorry to hear this happened to you. Good for you for discussing it and sharing your experience.

Many mistakes made here. This is the real world here so I feel it’s important to talk about what people do that is WRONG, AND how we can protect ourselves.

Tabby behaved in ways I would not accept. He didn’t clearly ask for consent and discuss boundaries. Not the type of person I’d want to play with in public or private. The reality is... there are LOTS of Tabbys out there. Someone who gets known in the scene can let their ego overtake even the worthy concepts they teach and end up violating the very rules they teach. And like your situation, people let them get away with it for the same reasons.

You didn’t protect your boundaries. You do not mention speaking up about any of this at any time. What he did was wrong. Big time.

BDSM is all about that dance of trust. You are new and your mistakes are not unique. The situation you found yourself in is so common it’s laughable, although there isn’t anything funny about it.

When tying is involved, you must DEMAND nothing short of model citizenship. Because once someone takes your hands, your vulnerability is almost absolute. If the tie involves your feet too, you have given up all control.

Don’t give up control to someone you don’t trust. Trust of this level must be built. And don’t trust people who do these things. Find your voice and use it.

This was a good lesson. I hate to say it but harm was minimal, compared to what could have happened so learn all you can from it. Talk with your partner too about expectations, boundaries and how to communicate to one another and others about your feelings. Public play of any sort comes with a LOT of extra complications; that’s why many people don’t do it. And if you aren’t giving a situation an enthusiastic, “Hell yes!” then just don’t. Listen to your gut and take action at that first sense of something being not right.

And I’d talk to Tabby. Explain basically what you said here. Tell him that you don’t want this type of situation in the future. “Please do not touch me without my consent. “ Its possible he’ll brush it off or make excuses. But it needs to be said. Speak to him to inform, not to confront. Don’t expect any certain reaction, but state what you need to state.

This is a lesson I think all new to the scene learn. So... welcome!

Take care!

/r/BDSMcommunity Thread