Thank you all for reading/ helping. What I know I will struggle with is, I don't hate my parents... They didn't want kids and clearly weren't ready for them... they put me in danger... they abused me... they neglected me... they stopped me from being able to develop as a person... but I can't blame them... I should be so angry. I should hate them so much. I am not a full person and I may never be because of choices they made for me. Things they did to me and ways they made me feel.
But did they know any better? Were they not also abused? I know it isn't my fault but does that make it theirs? If it's no ones fault what do I do to move on? Can I use this to move forward?
My biggest hurdle in all of this is that I can't get close to anyone. As soon as I start to I have panic attacks, nightmares, invasive thoughts, destructive tendencies. When I would date in middle school / high school. My parents were very dismissive and negative about all the relationships I was in. "You are just playing a game. It's not real." "When are you two breaking up?" I can even remember multiple time where I was sat down and grilled for hours until I choose to end something with a girl or not get back together after a fight.
The last time I got closer to someone than just friends I lost my shit completely. Started having the WORST nightmares of my life where everything I wasn't able to save or protect came back to haunt me hands covered in blood fleas on everything. "I told you, you weren't a REAL man." Later my mother voiced some disapproval over the phone after I posted pics of the person I hanging out with. I started making up excuses to be mad at her and push her away and then binge drank for a week until eventually coming home and taking half a bottle of aspirin in a failed attempt to take my own life.
This keeps happening to me. I hurt the people I care about and then hurt myself to punish me for it. I'm 25 and haven't been close with anyone for more than 6 months before shit like this completely falls apart...
I can't do this alone anymore. But I don't know how I am supposed to get past this... I don't know how anyone will ever be able to actually love me, when it causes such a negative reaction in me. I know they say love hurts is this what they mean? Is this normal and I just need to power through it?
I'm sorry for rambling. I'm on mobile so I haven't looked up the terms I should use for all these things yet. I've never talked about all of this in an understanding environment. I didn't mean to put so much out there. I just feel like I need to talk about it, I need help. I love my therapists and doctors but I only see them once every couple weeks and I've only just recently put all of everything together as more and more memories pop up the more I talk and the more I recognize that what happened to me was abuse and effected me. I just don't know if I am ever going to be ok. I'm sorry for being so negative.